A poem

[Sergi the snail]

I tried to wtite this poem in the traditional english rhyming scheme Now as you are knowing this is not my natural Language but I did this as an excercise to make my english better
It is based on a short story of mine which in turn is based on a crazy weekiend i spent in my fathers old cottage in the countryside lets just say that I went on the holiday a boy and came back a man


The Beast with three backs


The leaky roof is drumming its beat
I'm sitting drenched from head to feet
The tin cup is filling with dirty water
I am as cold as a clergymans daughter
The holiday was turning into a terrible mess
But it was all worth while when i spied you undress

You smiled when you saw my excited glance
and motioned me to remove my pants
I fell out of them onto the floor
Just as your boyfriend came in the door

He stared at you naked and wet
then reached for me quick as a jet
What are you doing he screamed aloud
Nothing! I cried, threes a crowd!
he twisted my arm, he was in the army
I felt faint, I didnt think he would harm me

I ought to kill you, he said very slow
You can't it's my house where will you go?
HE let go of me and laughed like a clown
I dont care if you fuck her she's fucked half the town

You bastard she screamed and spat on his chest
He turned real slow and grabbed her breast
She moaned: he kissed her, they forgot I was there
They rolled and they crashed against the chair
I looked on and felt such a fool
Standing there shivering with a semi hard tool.

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Well Sergi, for someone who claims not to be that familiar with English, you seem to have it down properly here. Bit crude for my liking, I have to admit but, it does have comedy in it. Your sense of rythym and rhyme are good in this piece and the only tip I can give you is one you probably know already. That is; if structuring anything that you want to work as this piece does, have a sort of beat going on in your mind, like a drum machine that taps out a soft pattern your words can weave around...

I don't know how the women on here are going to respond to it, but I would advise you hire a bodyguard to get you safely to the airport

Lugh

[Sergi the snail]

I don't know if woman will have a problem with this If so then that is not my problem everything that happens in the poem happened in real life If woman have a problem that some woman like sex and are aroused in violent awkward situations thens there is nothing that I can do or say which will remedy that

The lady in question is still a very good friend of mine she was a little wild as a teenager but now she is the best mother in the world to her 3 little boys,

ps she didnt marry the guy who was in the army he was actually killed in Bosnia he went over as a mercanary and never came back.

As for my English thank you for saying it is good, English I find is easy to write as poetry as you can use thesarus and dictionary speaking it is a different matter but most young Poles have a good grasp of english we watch a lot of the Englisg programs on TV as they are the best.

[joanne chapman]

Sergie, I'm on my way to Poland to take you to church!

I was in the library when I read this today, I cracked up laughing and got told to ssshh.

I don't have any problem with things like this, ain't into the rough stuff myself but I know people who are. All to their own I say.

What I can't understand is, how did you go there a boy and come back a man? You didn't get your leg over, only a stiffy, surely you must have had one of those before. I grew up with boys and know that you lot start shacking hands with the unemployed at a young age.

Well done anyway, I hope it was meant to be funny because it was, very.

By the way, when you say 'fell out of them onto the floor' were you exaggerating as you blokes do, or was you talking about your pants falling to the floor?

Jox

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Am laughin' me bollix off at "Shaking hands with the unemployed"... Never heard that one before - funny line

hahahahahha...

[Sergi the snail]

By the way, when you say 'fell out of them onto the floor' were you exaggerating as you blokes do, or was you talking about your pants falling to the floor?

Jox[/quote]

Yes I did fall and I did get my "leg over" but that was a few days later after the couple had another massive fight
I'm glad you found it fun Jo because it is ment to be comical kinda tragic comic but funny none the same they were a very intense couple especially them man he was a friend of my elder brother and I was always a little scared of him, when my brother told me some stories of what he did in Bosnia I was right to be. He was a very violent and disturbed individual

Im not really happy with this poem the rhymes are a bit simplistic and it think it could be longer it is one that i will work on more as my grammar improves

[upstate]

he was actually killed in Bosnia he went over as a mercanary and never came back.

No loss there then, eh?

He sounds like a complete dickhead and probably deserved whatever nastiness came to him...

I just wish George W. Bush and Tony Blair would go to Iraq. That would be really, really cool

[Catherine Edmunds]

Great poem. The rhymes are fine, but as Lugh says, it needs a stronger rhythm. Here's my suggestion for one possible way to get the meter to work better, without losing the poem's informality.


The leaky roof is drumming its beat
I'm sitting here drenched from my head to my feet
The tin cup is filling with dirty water
And I'm as cold as a clergyman's daughter
The holiday turned to a terrible mess
But all was worthwhile when I spied you undress

You smiled when you saw my excited glance
And gave me the sign to remove my pants
I fell right out of them onto the floor
Just as your boyfriend came in through the door

He stared at you, all naked and wet
Then reached out for me, quick as a jet
What are you doing? he screamed out aloud
Nothing! I cried, then, three's a crowd!
He twisted my arm (he was in the army)
I felt faint, didn't think he'd harm me

I ought to kill you, he said dead slow
You can't, it's my house, now where will you go?
He let go of me and laughed like a clown
I don't care if you fuck her -- she's fucked half the town

You bastard she screamed, and spat on his chest
He turned real slow and grabbed at her breast
She moaned, he kissed her, forgot I was there
They rolled and they crashed up against the chair
I looked on and waited and felt such a fool
Standing there shivering with a semi-hard tool.

[Sergi the snail]

I really like what you have done with this Delphi It does sound better I may re work your version at a later date but for now thanks a lot

[Catherine Edmunds]

Glad that was useful, Sergi

[Diesel Engine]

Nice poem Sergi
Funny and kinda sad at the same time