A poem

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Sergi the snail
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Postby Sergi the snail » Tue May 16, 2006 12:39 am

By the way, when you say 'fell out of them onto the floor' were you exaggerating as you blokes do, or was you talking about your pants falling to the floor? :lol:

Jox[/quote]

Yes I did fall and I did get my "leg over" but that was a few days later after the couple had another massive fight
I'm glad you found it fun Jo because it is ment to be comical kinda tragic comic but funny none the same they were a very intense couple especially them man he was a friend of my elder brother and I was always a little scared of him, when my brother told me some stories of what he did in Bosnia I was right to be. He was a very violent and disturbed individual

Im not really happy with this poem the rhymes are a bit simplistic and it think it could be longer it is one that i will work on more as my grammar improves

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upstate
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Postby upstate » Tue May 16, 2006 12:48 am

Sergi the snail wrote:he was actually killed in Bosnia he went over as a mercanary and never came back.

No loss there then, eh?

He sounds like a complete dickhead and probably deserved whatever nastiness came to him...

I just wish George W. Bush and Tony Blair would go to Iraq. That would be really, really cool :twisted:

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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Tue May 16, 2006 12:04 pm

Great poem. :D The rhymes are fine, but as Lugh says, it needs a stronger rhythm. Here's my suggestion for one possible way to get the meter to work better, without losing the poem's informality.


The leaky roof is drumming its beat
I'm sitting here drenched from my head to my feet
The tin cup is filling with dirty water
And I'm as cold as a clergyman's daughter
The holiday turned to a terrible mess
But all was worthwhile when I spied you undress

You smiled when you saw my excited glance
And gave me the sign to remove my pants
I fell right out of them onto the floor
Just as your boyfriend came in through the door

He stared at you, all naked and wet
Then reached out for me, quick as a jet
What are you doing? he screamed out aloud
Nothing! I cried, then, three's a crowd!
He twisted my arm (he was in the army)
I felt faint, didn't think he'd harm me

I ought to kill you, he said dead slow
You can't, it's my house, now where will you go?
He let go of me and laughed like a clown
I don't care if you fuck her -- she's fucked half the town

You bastard she screamed, and spat on his chest
He turned real slow and grabbed at her breast
She moaned, he kissed her, forgot I was there
They rolled and they crashed up against the chair
I looked on and waited and felt such a fool
Standing there shivering with a semi-hard tool.

Sergi the snail
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Postby Sergi the snail » Tue May 16, 2006 9:53 pm

I really like what you have done with this Delphi It does sound better I may re work your version at a later date but for now thanks a lot

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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Tue May 16, 2006 10:45 pm

Glad that was useful, Sergi :)


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