SENSITIZE ©

Posted: **Sat Dec 30, 2006 5:46 pm**

All the sonnet writing's finally paying off -- I'm about to have a sonnet published in 14 magazine. It's due out in late January. Can't wait

Posted: **Sat Dec 30, 2006 5:50 pm**

delph_ambi wrote:All the sonnet writing's finally paying off -- I'm about to have a sonnet published in 14 magazine. It's due out in late January. Can't wait

Excellenti-mondo

I'll buy a copy if you can pick it up for me Delph mate. Will send you the dosh in couple of week if that's cool?

Pop open a bottle of summit fizzy and have a party. Great way to start the new year

...

Posted: **Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:21 pm**

Thanks Lugh. When I receive my complimentary copy in a few week's time, I'll be able to see what it costs, etc. (Haven't a clue at the moment.)

The fizz is cooling in the fridge even as I type...

Posted: **Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:26 pm**

Nice one

Can you email me a glass of champagne please

?

(Lugh on the groovy admin passport lol)...

Posted: **Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:46 pm**

waiting for love
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 4th December, 2007. All rights reserved.

sugared semi-nightime daylight shows us
frosty treetops stripped to bird; while mankind
salting icy pavements helps his elders
safely travel without slipping - sliding;
coal fires heating barsnugs - toasting faces
of young lovers - as they promise to be
truthful to each other - through their lifetimes
into old age - and all that lies beyond;
dark smoke maybe listens drifting upwards
out of chimneys - down embittered street scenes
no-go areas - council house dead ends - where
crosstown traffic murmurs through the distance
half-remembered chorus sung on cold days
like these - waiting for love - inspiration...

Posted: **Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:01 pm**

the artist with her slowly dying friend
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 6th December, 2007. All rights reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds aka Delph_Ambi.

"How dare they!" she roared, slamming the table.
"My whole life's work ripped to shreads on a whim!
Bastards! What did I ever do to them?"
"Nothin' luv! Not a damn thing. You should sue."
He wheezed then coughed another wad of phlegm
in his tissue. He poked the coals roughly
sneering his disgust as the flames burned all.
"Aye. Sue them and be done with it," he sighed.
She scowled, gulping the last dregs of her wine.
"Who? It's not like they show their faces!
No clear case. It'd be slung outta court."
"Good points and some damn fine questions as well.

What we need here is a plan of attack.
That and some brandy. Have you any cash?"

Editing by Catherine Edmunds on 15th December, 2007 @ MSN - The Write Combinations' - Annexed Poetry Workshops.
Facilitator: Mike Daniels aka Danimik.

Posted: **Thu Dec 20, 2007 8:33 pm**

the artist with her slowly dying friend
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 6th - 20th December, 2007. All rights reserved.
Editors - Catherine Edmunds and Mike Daniels.

"How dare they!" she shouts, slamming the table.
"My whole life's work ripped to shreads on a whim!
Bastards! What did I ever do to them?"
"Nothin' luv! Not a damn thing. You should sue."
He wheezes, coughs another wad of phlegm
in his tissue. He pokes the coals roughly
sneering his disgust, the flames burning all.
"Aye. Sue them and be done with it," he sighs.
She scowls, gulping the last dregs of her wine.
"Who? It's not like they show their faces!
No clear case. It'd be slung outta court."
"Good points and some damn fine questions as well.

What we need here is a plan of attack.
That and some brandy. Have you any cash?"

Editing by Catherine Edmunds on 15th December, 2007 and Mike Daniels on the 19th December 2007 @
MSN - The Write Combinations' - Annexed Poetry Workshops.
Facilitator: Mike Daniels.

Posted: **Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:02 am**

to a new recruit in the battle for love
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2008. All rights reserved.

what is really going on here my friend
rests in the hands of something much higher
me? all I do is pitch the odd concept
plant ideas. get you thinking about stuff
it's bad mate. I doubt you would comprehend
the enormity, the crooks, the liars
who stop at nothing to keep secrets kept
working to our disadvantage. it's rough
from the start to the middle and the end
no rest home for us. we never retire
we can be killed but are somewhat adept
at using our minds. in some cases bluff

so, my dear friend. is your soul up for hire?
please say you accept the battle for love...

Posted: **Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:53 pm**

A brief critique of "to a new recruit in love"

A general point first. Indenting the final couplet is enough - I don't think you need to leave a space as well.

No capitals is fine, but I think you need some more punctuation to make the poem easier to read. Here are my suggestions:
Commas after 'here' and 'friend' in line one.
Full stop after 'higher' in line two.
Dash after 'concept' in line three.
Full stop after 'stuff' in line four.
Possibly comma after 'kept' in seven - but that depends on the meaning you want.
Full stop after 'end' in line nine.
Replace full stop in the middle of line ten with a dash, and put a full stop at the end of the line, after 'retire'.
Comma after 'killed' in line eleven.
Full stop after 'bluff' in line twelve.
Consider replacing the full stop in line thirteen with a comma, semi-colon or dash.

Regarding structure, you have a good rhyme scheme here which works well and is never intrusive. I'm not sure about the rhythm. There isn't much iambic pentameter here, which is my preference for a sonnet, but it flows well enough, and there is good use of enjambment at key points, which prevents the lopsided rhythm from becoming a problem.

The sonnet is strongly worded, which is important when dealing in what are effectively abstractions (no concrete images here). I think it works well. The 'voice' is very authentic and recognisable. I'd just suggest another look at punctuation. You won't agree with all my ideas on that, but I still think it needs a little more than you've used.

Hope that was helpful.

Posted: **Tue Mar 11, 2008 3:39 pm**

It has indeed

Hi ya Delph

Thank you for taking the time out to critique and edit 'to a new recruit'... I like this poem. It says a lot about who I am and that's what I was aiming to achieve. Your editing tips and response to content have amplified and enhanced everything this piece sets about doing.

My one concern is that I use the onboard page building settings of this forum. If I indent the first couplet I'm not sure if the space goes. It's a setting called 'List'. You have the same setting on your panel as assistant manager of the Delph's Miscellany section.

It's a strange setting and indents never seem right because it creates a space, but the option to press space bar dosen't appear to follow through with single line indentation. I'll now post the amended work to a new reply directly below this message and see if that works. Fingers crossed

...

Oh. Before I go do that. Would you like it if I created a page at the front of Sensitize © that plugs both of your books and Circaidy Gregory / Early Works Press? You could add further details to this at any time if you needed to of course. I simply believe that by helping each other out. Like you have on here in critiquing and editing many of my poems, and Sensitize © serving to promote and publicise your work. Is key to generating more interest in all that we do. The promotion / publicising page would be public. Not like the rest of Sensitize © (which is a private workshop environment). If you wished, you could answer questions about your work from visitors to this site and I will work to generate traffic to that page. It goes without saying that your marketing, pricing and purchasing details could also be included

...

Thanks again for your wonderful help Delph. Very much appreciated my friend...

Cheers

Posted: **Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:23 pm**

to a new recruit in the battle for love
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2008. All rights reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds aka delph_ambi.

what is really going on here, my friend,
rests in the hands of something much higher.
me? all I do is pitch the odd concept -
plant ideas. get you thinking about stuff.
it's bad mate. I doubt you would comprehend
the enormity, the crooks, the liars
who stop at nothing to keep secrets kept,
working to our disadvantage. it's rough
from the start to the middle and the end.
no rest home for us - we never retire.
we can be killed, but are somewhat adept
at using our minds. in some cases bluff.

so, my dear friend. is your soul up for hire?
please say you accept the battle for love...

Posted: **Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:21 pm**

Ah well. Indenting doesn't seem to work properly on here...

Thanks again Delph

...

Posted: **Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:09 pm**

Regarding the formatting problem, I've got an idea. Don't know if this will work. I'll copy the poem into a word document, sort out the formatting, then try posting it as an image. Here goes...

Posted: **Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:12 pm**

Yay! Size is a bit too big, but at least it worked.

Regarding your very kind offer of a plug on the front page of Sensitize, yes please! I will of course reciprocate on my own site and elsewhere for any future projects you wish to publicise.

Posted: **Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:50 pm**

Wotcha Delph

Your image of my latest poem is a marvellous way around the indenting issues on here. Thank you very much for that. Highly inovative too. I know that the actual website (the Upstate Renegade Productions' domain) where Sensitize is based has better formatting tools. So, when this poem goes up on to our pages there, all should be resolved.

Now. I'll get cracking with a publicity page at the front door of Sensitize for you. I'll post the drafts of it up to here first for your approval and any further suggestions you may wish to make...

Oh yeah, one final query. Do you have a copy of the front and back images for; The Sand In The Painting and the back image for Wormwood, Earth and Honey? Perhaps you have them on a Photobucket account. All I need are the links to them. I also acknowledge your kind offer to publicise future works by Diarmuid and myself / Upstate Renegade Productions. Nice one

...

Cheers Catherine

...

SENSITIZE ©

Sonnet

Waiting For Love. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007.

The Artist With Her Slowly Dying Friend. By Louis P. Burns

The Artist With Her Slowly Dying Friend By Louis P. Burns

To A New Recruit In The Battle For Love. By Louis P. Burns ©

To A New Recruit In The Battle For Love. By Louis P. Burns ©

Feedback for Delph on publicity page construction...