Sonnet

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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The Artist With Her Slowly Dying Friend. By Louis P. Burns

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:01 pm

the artist with her slowly dying friend
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 6th December, 2007. All rights reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds aka Delph_Ambi.


"How dare they!" she roared, slamming the table.
"My whole life's work ripped to shreads on a whim!
Bastards! What did I ever do to them?"
"Nothin' luv! Not a damn thing. You should sue."
He wheezed then coughed another wad of phlegm
in his tissue. He poked the coals roughly
sneering his disgust as the flames burned all.
"Aye. Sue them and be done with it," he sighed.
She scowled, gulping the last dregs of her wine.
"Who? It's not like they show their faces!
No clear case. It'd be slung outta court."
"Good points and some damn fine questions as well.
    What we need here is a plan of attack.
    That and some brandy. Have you any cash?"
Editing by Catherine Edmunds on 15th December, 2007 @ MSN - The Write Combinations' - Annexed Poetry Workshops.
Facilitator: Mike Daniels aka Danimik.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2185
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
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The Artist With Her Slowly Dying Friend By Louis P. Burns

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Dec 20, 2007 8:33 pm

the artist with her slowly dying friend
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 6th - 20th December, 2007. All rights reserved.
Editors - Catherine Edmunds and Mike Daniels.


"How dare they!" she shouts, slamming the table.
"My whole life's work ripped to shreads on a whim!
Bastards! What did I ever do to them?"
"Nothin' luv! Not a damn thing. You should sue."
He wheezes, coughs another wad of phlegm
in his tissue. He pokes the coals roughly
sneering his disgust, the flames burning all.
"Aye. Sue them and be done with it," he sighs.
She scowls, gulping the last dregs of her wine.
"Who? It's not like they show their faces!
No clear case. It'd be slung outta court."
"Good points and some damn fine questions as well.
    What we need here is a plan of attack.
    That and some brandy. Have you any cash?"
Editing by Catherine Edmunds on 15th December, 2007 and Mike Daniels on the 19th December 2007 @
MSN - The Write Combinations' - Annexed Poetry Workshops.
Facilitator: Mike Daniels.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2185
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
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To A New Recruit In The Battle For Love. By Louis P. Burns ©

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:02 am

to a new recruit in the battle for love
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2008. All rights reserved.

what is really going on here my friend
rests in the hands of something much higher
me? all I do is pitch the odd concept
plant ideas. get you thinking about stuff
it's bad mate. I doubt you would comprehend
the enormity, the crooks, the liars
who stop at nothing to keep secrets kept
working to our disadvantage. it's rough
from the start to the middle and the end
no rest home for us. we never retire
we can be killed but are somewhat adept
at using our minds. in some cases bluff
    so, my dear friend. is your soul up for hire?
    please say you accept the battle for love...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

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Catherine Edmunds
artist, poet & writer
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: north east england
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:53 pm

A brief critique of "to a new recruit in love"

A general point first. Indenting the final couplet is enough - I don't think you need to leave a space as well.

No capitals is fine, but I think you need some more punctuation to make the poem easier to read. Here are my suggestions:
Commas after 'here' and 'friend' in line one.
Full stop after 'higher' in line two.
Dash after 'concept' in line three.
Full stop after 'stuff' in line four.
Possibly comma after 'kept' in seven - but that depends on the meaning you want.
Full stop after 'end' in line nine.
Replace full stop in the middle of line ten with a dash, and put a full stop at the end of the line, after 'retire'.
Comma after 'killed' in line eleven.
Full stop after 'bluff' in line twelve.
Consider replacing the full stop in line thirteen with a comma, semi-colon or dash.

Regarding structure, you have a good rhyme scheme here which works well and is never intrusive. I'm not sure about the rhythm. There isn't much iambic pentameter here, which is my preference for a sonnet, but it flows well enough, and there is good use of enjambment at key points, which prevents the lopsided rhythm from becoming a problem.

The sonnet is strongly worded, which is important when dealing in what are effectively abstractions (no concrete images here). I think it works well. The 'voice' is very authentic and recognisable. I'd just suggest another look at punctuation. You won't agree with all my ideas on that, but I still think it needs a little more than you've used.

Hope that was helpful. :)

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2185
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Tue Mar 11, 2008 3:39 pm

It has indeed :)

Hi ya Delph :D

Thank you for taking the time out to critique and edit 'to a new recruit'... I like this poem. It says a lot about who I am and that's what I was aiming to achieve. Your editing tips and response to content have amplified and enhanced everything this piece sets about doing.

My one concern is that I use the onboard page building settings of this forum. If I indent the first couplet I'm not sure if the space goes. It's a setting called 'List'. You have the same setting on your panel as assistant manager of the Delph's Miscellany section.

It's a strange setting and indents never seem right because it creates a space, but the option to press space bar dosen't appear to follow through with single line indentation. I'll now post the amended work to a new reply directly below this message and see if that works. Fingers crossed :) ...

Oh. Before I go do that. Would you like it if I created a page at the front of Sensitize © that plugs both of your books and Circaidy Gregory / Early Works Press? You could add further details to this at any time if you needed to of course. I simply believe that by helping each other out. Like you have on here in critiquing and editing many of my poems, and Sensitize © serving to promote and publicise your work. Is key to generating more interest in all that we do. The promotion / publicising page would be public. Not like the rest of Sensitize © (which is a private workshop environment). If you wished, you could answer questions about your work from visitors to this site and I will work to generate traffic to that page. It goes without saying that your marketing, pricing and purchasing details could also be included ;) ...

Thanks again for your wonderful help Delph. Very much appreciated my friend...

Cheers :)
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


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