Feedback on Side-Effects by Salvador C. Oria...

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Feedback on Side-Effects by Salvador C. Oria...

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Tue Jul 18, 2006 5:00 pm

Argie wrote:Side-effects

Smoke bills drifted around
after the long retained breath
hissed out grey and spent
and the pungent sweet scent
of stratified palls
filled the room...
Connections switched
sensations bewitched
us both,
sounds and senses and love;
and your mouth
was wide open,
gasping, as your heart was.

The heavy silken curtains
embroidered in threads
woven from past lifes
whose ghosts are still present
in the old house
were not enough to stop
a golden ray
that crept through
a crack in the window frame
and hit me
right in the eye:
it doesn't matter
if you are here,
nor whether 'tis day
or night.
It did, but not now.

© 2006 Salvador Oria


Wonderfully atmospheric piece Argie :)

For me it captures images of someone lying alone in a bed, remembering a past lover. I may be totally wrong here and if so, it wasn't intentional...

I've coloured the word 'lifes' in dark red font simply to serve your purposes. I'm not sure, but wouldn't it work better if the word was 'lives'? If I'm incorrect, email a punch in the face to me and I won't fight back...

Side-Effects: A lovely title too. At first obscure, but as I read and reread this piece, the images surfaced and took form...

Well played dude... Great work :D
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Salvador Oria
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Lives vs. Lifes &c

Postby Salvador Oria » Tue Jul 18, 2006 8:29 pm

I'm talking about the lives of different people who lived and died there. i.e. lives... thanks, this began as a draft I wrote a few days ago, pasted on here and made some corrections on the spot, direct...no copy kept (now I pinched it for my records) Shall edit right now...

Oh yes, you've got it right: the narrator remembers times past upon a reefer... or was he dreaming in his sleep when the light awoke him back to reality?

Life goes on...
"...my dreams were all my own; i accounted for them to nobody; they
were my refuge when annoyed - my dearest pleasure when free."
mary shelley in her author's introduction to "frankestein", 1831.

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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Tue Jul 18, 2006 9:32 pm

Oriental Proverb - Auther Unknown wrote:"A man falls asleep and dreams he is a butterfly. The butterfly falls asleep and dreams he is a man. When the man wakes up he's not sure if he's a man or a butterfly..."

Very nice Argie - Subliminal :wink: ...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

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My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Tue Jul 18, 2006 10:41 pm

Feedback time? Oh good. :D

Super poem, Argie. Very atmospheric. I disagree with most of your line breaks, however... and a few (very few) other points.

Line one. Bills? I wondered what you meant by the word. Obviously not duck bills, nor bills for telephone/eletricity/car service etc. Then it occurred that maybe you mean the US 'bills' meaning paper money (notes, in other words). Wisps of smoke, like ten bob notes, drifting around? Presumably. It's unfortunate to trip over only the second word of a poem, but there you are; you know me -- picky as hell. If you meant some other, totally different meaning of 'bills', you've lost me completely.

Line two, I kept wanting to read as 'long after the retained breath...' but of course that has a different meaning, and I like the slightly unexpected word order of your original.

Lines three and four have end of line rhymes. These need to be internal. Then they'd work brilliantly. As it is, they're intrusive. No need to change any words, just the line breaks.

I don't much like the ellipsis after 'room'. I can see why it's there, but I still don't like it. I'd have used a stanza break instead. Possibly. I don't know.

Then you've got another couple of end of line rhymes, which again, need to be internal, both from the point of view of rhyme and rhythm, as you really don't want to be introducing a 'tee-tum, tee-tum' rhythm.

At the end of the first stanza, 'as your heart was' is a crude construction grammatically (bad to end a sentence with 'was' like that) so you could fix this by simply saying 'like your heart', but then we're wandering into Mills & Boon/ Harlequin romance territory, so maybe not. I'll have to think about that one.

Second stanza: this suffers, even more than the first did, from choppy line breaks that do the poem no favours. You need much longer lines for this one. This delivery here is too staccato; too abrupt for the subject matter.

Lovely ending (apart from the line breaks).

I'll copy and paste the poem here, and show you what I would have done with the lines to achieve more flow. I won't change any words at all. Probably. No. Really. I won't.


Side-effects

Smoke bills drifted around after the long retained breath
hissed out grey and spent and the pungent sweet scent
of stratified palls filled the room...

Connections switched, sensations bewitched us both,
sounds and senses and love; and your mouth
was wide open, gasping, as your heart was.

The heavy silken curtains embroidered in threads
woven from past lives whose ghosts
are still present in the old house

were not enough to stop a golden ray
that crept through a crack in the window frame
and hit me right in the eye:

it doesn't matter if you are here,
nor whether 'tis day or night.
It did, but not now.


Now that's interesting. It's come out in three line stanzas. I wasn't specifically aiming at that, but I think it looks good and works well. Anyway, it's a thought.

Delph

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Tue Jul 18, 2006 11:48 pm

Whooosh..!

It's definitely got my vote. The whole piece moves freely for this reader. It is almost as though I know it by heart and was reciting it (with notes) to a group of family and friends or in performance at a small venue or theatre. By the way, speaking as a Performance Poet, this is simply superb work folks. Delph and Salvador, I believe this is your first Collaborative Work on Sensitize? Congratulations :D

I truly am in the presence of really cool writers and I think Sensitize & Upstate Renegade Productions Online © would be delighted if at some point, you both gave us the 'go ahead' to cast, direct, perform and produce this for the world...

I have learned so much from Delph's Critique that I believe I will be super-charged with creative energy, for a long, long time and very soon :D

Thanks Guys x

Luv Ya Both...

Cool People. Totally Cool 8)
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


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