The Raven. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2006.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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The Raven. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2006.

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:13 pm

the raven.
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2006. All Rights Reserved
    perched

    the raven is black.
    thin wolves hunt throughout winter.
    flesh falls. old bones crack.

    soon

    the raven will feast.
    comical, deadly silence.
    a majestic beast
    .
To hopefully run in tandem with delph_ambi's painting; The Raven. Will post a request on the general messages board now.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Thu Oct 19, 2006 1:44 pm

Can't remember if I ever posted a reply to this one elsewhere, but if I didn't, shame on me. This is a beautiful evocation of the picture, and a superb poem in its own right.

One suggestion; I'm not sure 'soon' is a strong enough word for that standalone line. For some reason, I think 'later' would work better. I'm not really sure why.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:32 pm

delph_ambi wrote:Can't remember if I ever posted a reply to this one elsewhere, but if I didn't, shame on me. This is a beautiful evocation of the picture, and a superb poem in its own right.

Coming from you, that is excellent to hear indeed Delph. Thank you very much :D ...

delph_ambi wrote:One suggestion; I'm not sure 'soon' is a strong enough word for that standalone line. For some reason, I think 'later' would work better. I'm not really sure why.

I'll be honest. I remember struggling with this myself while writing, but I was sticking to a rythym which was in the form of two haiku verses seperated by one syllable words to give it a rounder, more solidly poetic feel. What if I changed 'soon' to 'then'? Would that work?

the raven.
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2006. All Rights Reserved
    perched

    the raven is black.
    thin wolves hunt throughout winter.
    flesh falls. old bones crack.

    then

    the raven will feast.
    comical, deadly silence.
    a majestic beast
    .
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

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Catherine Edmunds
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Posts: 428
Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Thu Oct 19, 2006 3:41 pm

No, I don't like 'then' at all. Far too abrupt. I preferred soon.

It strikes me that 'perched' is virtually two syllables anyway, so it wouldn't be stretching a point too far to use 'later'.

You need to be careful never to let a self-imposed form weaken a good poem.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Oct 19, 2006 4:12 pm

delph_ambi wrote:No, I don't like 'then' at all. Far too abrupt. I preferred soon.

It strikes me that 'perched' is virtually two syllables anyway, so it wouldn't be stretching a point too far to use 'later'.

You need to be careful never to let a self-imposed form weaken a good poem.


the raven.
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Edited by Catherine Edmunds and Mike Daniels.
    perched

    the raven is black.
    thin wolves hunt throughout winter.
    flesh falls. old bones crack.

    later

    the raven will feast.
    comical, deadly silence.
    a majestic beast
    .
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Thu Nov 08, 2007 1:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


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