the darker side of the morning.
delph_ambi wrote:Very classy poem, Lugh. I would consider shortening 'all of us' to simply 'we' in the first line, as that takes you directly into the poem without any wordiness. There are a few bits of superfluous punctuation: three instances of commas at the ends of lines where really you don't need them as the line break acts as a comma. Those tiny tweaks aside, this is an excellent piece of writing.
It would fit well on Buk's Goatee, if you fancied posting it there.
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 /2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.
we were wakened early
by the screams of old o'hagan.
his fire was burning out.
my mother sighed and held us close.
amber streetlights. blackened hedges
hiding all kinds of ghosts.
jura barked in the cul-de-sac.
my dad tried to calm him down but
he was only a pup
"easy now boy".
soon, the wet walls of the houses
echoed a silent, flashing blue.
one cry of a siren
then they were gone...
Yeah, I'm really proud of this piece too because it simply poured from me, like it needed to get out. It's interesting for me as the writer that while responding to Alan's feedback on this poem I realised that I had written it to overcome my own fear of death. A fairly natural fear I think you will agree.
Catharsis - Great ain't it
I have made the corrections to punctuation and tightened the beginning as you have suggested and I agree with all of your editing guidance. The entire piece is more fluidic now.
Thank you for your excellent critique and editing skills Delph. I really appreciate all of your help
I would be delighted to share this poem with members of Bukowski's goatee
and will post it to there shortly...