Two Gossips In A Café. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005

[Catherine Edmunds]

A couple more 'take-em or leave-em' thoughts...

'way back when
he was no-one'

would possibly reader better as

'way back when
he was nobody'

also, 'outrageous' is very polite. I'd have written 'out-bloody-rageous', but that might be a bit strong. Depends on your characters. Sounds natural to me ('maybe it's becorz, I'm a Londoner...')

You've missed out an apostrophe in 'won't even see us'

'sure is luv' I'm not sure about. If you keep it, you need a comma after 'is' (sure is, luv). You might want to consider 'too right, luv' as an alternative. 'sure is' sounds a bit American to me.

'he's lovely' okay, but how about, 'he's luverly'?

'i'll powder my nose...' definitely needs to be 'i'll powder me nose...' (drives my hubby crazy when I use 'me' for 'my' all the time, but honest guv, that's 'ow I speak.)

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

I'll get onto this later Delph. Cheers

Had a major problem with this pc earlier. It crashed and burned. Diesel's running a few checks on it all now and muttering in a strangely Russian form of gibberish. Interesting though. Musical almost with a lot of 'fecks' and 'whit tha''s' ...

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

A couple more 'take-em or leave-em' thoughts...

'way back when
he was no-one'

would possibly reader better as

'way back when
he was nobody'

also, 'outrageous' is very polite. I'd have written 'out-bloody-rageous', but that might be a bit strong. Depends on your characters. Sounds natural to me ('maybe it's becorz, I'm a Londoner...')

You've missed out an apostrophe in 'won't even see us'

'sure is luv' I'm not sure about. If you keep it, you need a comma after 'is' (sure is, luv). You might want to consider 'too right, luv' as an alternative. 'sure is' sounds a bit American to me.

'he's lovely' okay, but how about, 'he's luverly'?

'i'll powder my nose...' definitely needs to be 'i'll powder me nose...' (drives my hubby crazy when I use 'me' for 'my' all the time, but honest guv, that's 'ow I speak.)

two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.

• look at him
  posing git
  white cotton shirts
  and he always sits
  at that table
  
  i knew him
  way back when
  he was nobody
  but even then
  he ate lobster
  
  he drank wine
  fierce amounts
  water these days
  and by all accounts
  only salads
  
  out-bloody-rageous
  
  a rock star now
  won't even see us
  and that vicious cow he's
  hooked up with
  
  she's a scream
  thin as a rake
  i reckon she's out
  for all she can take
  
  more coffee Kate?
  
  yeah. why not?
  I've a half day
  order more gateau
  it's my turn to pay
  
  nice here innit?
  
  too right, luv
  check out his butt
  a weekend with him
  i'd soon lose this gut
  
  shssssh. here they come
  
  hi Michael
  hi Mary-Jean
  your hair was gorgeous
  in 'She' Magazine.
  
  very pretty...
  
  new band mike?
  your life's all go
  thought you were brilliant
  on Jools Olland's show
  
  ooooh. he's luverly.
  
  who?
  oh Jools
  yeah really nice bloke.
  i met him in Arrods
  but he never spoke
  
  bye Michael...
  
  stuck up brats
  
  youth of today
  i think she's a front
  and he's really gay
  
  i thought that too
  
  happy though?
  
  Yeah, i suppose.
  right. you get the waiter.
  i'll powder me nose...
  
  same time next week?

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

I've made the recommended editing changes to Two Gossips In A Café now Delph and agree, it flows much better. One niggly-naggly doubt though and it's about capital letters.

When I made the changes from 'jools holland's' show to 'Jools Olland's' show and 'harrods' to 'Arrods' I followed your guidance and capitalised because they are names of people and places. This then left me thinking that all names had to begin with capitals e.g; 'michael' becomes 'Michael', 'kate' becomes 'Kate' and 'mary-jean' becomes 'Mary-Jean'. Am I right in doing this or should all text be lowercase?

Cheers

[Catherine Edmunds]

I would go for all lower case, but include apostrophes to show the missing letters in 'olland and 'arrods.

This poem's fun, Lugh. Makes me smile each time I read it

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

I would go for all lower case, but include apostrophes to show the missing letters in 'olland and 'arrods.

This poem's fun, Lugh. Makes me smile each time I read it

Nice one Delph ...

Knowing it brings on a smile is a great compliment mate. Thanks

Right. Here goes:-

two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.

• look at him
  posing git
  white cotton shirts
  and he always sits
  at that table
  
  i knew him
  way back when
  he was nobody
  but even then
  he ate lobster
  
  he drank wine
  fierce amounts
  water these days
  and by all accounts
  only salads
  
  out-bloody-rageous
  
  a rock star now
  won't even see us
  and that vicious cow he's
  hooked up with
  
  she's a scream
  thin as a rake
  i reckon she's out
  for all she can take
  
  more coffee kate?
  
  yeah. why not?
  I've a half day
  order more gateau
  it's my turn to pay
  
  nice here innit?
  
  too right, luv
  check out his butt
  a weekend with him
  i'd soon lose this gut
  
  shssssh. here they come
  
  hi michael
  hi mary-jean
  your hair was gorgeous
  in 'she' magazine.
  
  very pretty...
  
  new band mike?
  your life's all go
  thought you were brilliant
  on Jools 'olland's show
  
  ooooh. he's luverly.
  
  who?
  oh jools
  yeah really nice bloke.
  i met him in 'arrods
  but he never spoke
  
  bye michael...
  
  stuck up brats
  
  youth of today
  i think she's a front
  and he's really gay
  
  i thought that too
  
  happy though?
  
  Yeah, i suppose.
  right. you get the waiter.
  i'll powder me nose...
  
  same time next week?

[Catherine Edmunds]

Ha... you missed two. There's still a capital J and Y lurking in there Lugh. Happy proofreading...

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Ha... you missed two. There's still a capital J and Y lurking in there Lugh. Happy proofreading...

LOL & Oooops

Right. Here goes (again)

two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.

• look at him
  posing git
  white cotton shirts
  and he always sits
  at that table
  
  i knew him
  way back when
  he was nobody
  but even then
  he ate lobster
  
  he drank wine
  fierce amounts
  water these days
  and by all accounts
  only salads
  
  out-bloody-rageous
  
  a rock star now
  won't even see us
  and that vicious cow he's
  hooked up with
  
  she's a scream
  thin as a rake
  i reckon she's out
  for all she can take
  
  more coffee kate?
  
  yeah. why not?
  i've a half day
  order more gateau
  it's my turn to pay
  
  nice here innit?
  
  too right, luv
  check out his butt
  a weekend with him
  i'd soon lose this gut
  
  shssssh. here they come
  
  hi michael
  hi mary-jean
  your hair was gorgeous
  in 'she' magazine.
  
  very pretty...
  
  new band mike?
  your life's all go
  thought you were brilliant
  on jools 'olland's show
  
  ooooh. he's luverly.
  
  who?
  oh jools
  yeah really nice bloke.
  i met him in 'arrods
  but he never spoke
  
  bye michael...
  
  stuck up brats
  
  youth of today
  i think she's a front
  and he's really gay
  
  i thought that too
  
  happy though?
  
  yeah, i suppose.
  right. you get the waiter.
  i'll powder me nose...
  
  same time next week?

____________

This has been a fun experience Delph.

Nice one mate ...