Two Gossips In A Café. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005

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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:00 am

A couple more 'take-em or leave-em' thoughts...

'way back when
he was no-one'

would possibly reader better as

'way back when
he was nobody'

also, 'outrageous' is very polite. I'd have written 'out-bloody-rageous', but that might be a bit strong. Depends on your characters. Sounds natural to me ('maybe it's becorz, I'm a Londoner...')

You've missed out an apostrophe in 'won't even see us'

'sure is luv' I'm not sure about. If you keep it, you need a comma after 'is' (sure is, luv). You might want to consider 'too right, luv' as an alternative. 'sure is' sounds a bit American to me.

'he's lovely' okay, but how about, 'he's luverly'?

'i'll powder my nose...' definitely needs to be 'i'll powder me nose...' (drives my hubby crazy when I use 'me' for 'my' all the time, but honest guv, that's 'ow I speak.)


:)

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:05 pm

I'll get onto this later Delph. Cheers :)

Had a major problem with this pc earlier. It crashed and burned. Diesel's running a few checks on it all now and muttering in a strangely Russian form of gibberish. Interesting though. Musical almost with a lot of 'fecks' and 'whit tha''s' :o ...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Aug 31, 2006 10:36 am

delph_ambi wrote:A couple more 'take-em or leave-em' thoughts...

'way back when
he was no-one'

would possibly reader better as

'way back when
he was nobody'

also, 'outrageous' is very polite. I'd have written 'out-bloody-rageous', but that might be a bit strong. Depends on your characters. Sounds natural to me ('maybe it's becorz, I'm a Londoner...')

You've missed out an apostrophe in 'won't even see us'

'sure is luv' I'm not sure about. If you keep it, you need a comma after 'is' (sure is, luv). You might want to consider 'too right, luv' as an alternative. 'sure is' sounds a bit American to me.

'he's lovely' okay, but how about, 'he's luverly'?

'i'll powder my nose...' definitely needs to be 'i'll powder me nose...' (drives my hubby crazy when I use 'me' for 'my' all the time, but honest guv, that's 'ow I speak.)


:)

two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.
    look at him
    posing git
    white cotton shirts
    and he always sits
    at that table

    i knew him
    way back when
    he was nobody
    but even then
    he ate lobster

    he drank wine
    fierce amounts
    water these days
    and by all accounts
    only salads


    out-bloody-rageous

    a rock star now
    won't even see us
    and that vicious cow he's
    hooked up with


    she's a scream
    thin as a rake
    i reckon she's out
    for all she can take

    more coffee Kate?

    yeah. why not?
    I've a half day
    order more gateau
    it's my turn to pay

    nice here innit?

    too right, luv
    check out his butt
    a weekend with him
    i'd soon lose this gut

    shssssh. here they come


    hi Michael
    hi Mary-Jean
    your hair was gorgeous
    in 'She' Magazine.

    very pretty...

    new band mike?
    your life's all go
    thought you were brilliant
    on Jools Olland's show


    ooooh. he's luverly.

    who?
    oh Jools
    yeah really nice bloke.
    i met him in Arrods
    but he never spoke


    bye Michael...

    stuck up brats

    youth of today
    i think she's a front
    and he's really gay

    i thought that too

    happy though?

    Yeah, i suppose.
    right. you get the waiter.
    i'll powder me nose...


    same time next week?
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2184
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Aug 31, 2006 10:49 am

I've made the recommended editing changes to Two Gossips In A Café now Delph and agree, it flows much better. One niggly-naggly doubt though and it's about capital letters.

When I made the changes from 'jools holland's' show to 'Jools Olland's' show and 'harrods' to 'Arrods' I followed your guidance and capitalised because they are names of people and places. This then left me thinking that all names had to begin with capitals e.g; 'michael' becomes 'Michael', 'kate' becomes 'Kate' and 'mary-jean' becomes 'Mary-Jean'. Am I right in doing this or should all text be lowercase?

Cheers :)
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Catherine Edmunds
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Posts: 428
Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: north east england
Contact:

Postby Catherine Edmunds » Thu Aug 31, 2006 11:27 am

I would go for all lower case, but include apostrophes to show the missing letters in 'olland and 'arrods.

This poem's fun, Lugh. Makes me smile each time I read it :D


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