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Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:00 am
by Catherine Edmunds
A couple more 'take-em or leave-em' thoughts...
'way back when
he was no-one'
would possibly reader better as
'way back when
he was nobody'
also, 'outrageous' is very polite. I'd have written 'out-bloody-rageous', but that might be a bit strong. Depends on your characters. Sounds natural to me (
'maybe it's becorz, I'm a Londoner...')
You've missed out an apostrophe in 'won't even see us'
'sure is luv' I'm not sure about. If you keep it, you need a comma after 'is' (sure is, luv). You might want to consider 'too right, luv' as an alternative. 'sure is' sounds a bit American to me.
'he's lovely' okay, but how about, 'he's luverly'?
'i'll powder my nose...' definitely needs to be 'i'll powder me nose...' (drives my hubby crazy when I use 'me' for 'my' all the time, but honest guv, that's 'ow I speak.)
Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:05 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
I'll get onto this later Delph. Cheers
Had a major problem with this pc earlier. It crashed and burned. Diesel's running a few checks on it all now and muttering in a strangely Russian form of gibberish. Interesting though. Musical almost with a lot of 'fecks' and 'whit tha''s'
...
Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 10:36 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
delph_ambi wrote:A couple more 'take-em or leave-em' thoughts...
'way back when
he was no-one'
would possibly reader better as
'way back when
he was nobody'
also, 'outrageous' is very polite. I'd have written 'out-bloody-rageous', but that might be a bit strong. Depends on your characters. Sounds natural to me (
'maybe it's becorz, I'm a Londoner...')
You've missed out an apostrophe in 'won't even see us'
'sure is luv' I'm not sure about. If you keep it, you need a comma after 'is' (sure is, luv). You might want to consider 'too right, luv' as an alternative. 'sure is' sounds a bit American to me.
'he's lovely' okay, but how about, 'he's luverly'?
'i'll powder my nose...' definitely needs to be 'i'll powder me nose...' (drives my hubby crazy when I use 'me' for 'my' all the time, but honest guv, that's 'ow I speak.)
two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.- look at him
posing git
white cotton shirts
and he always sits
at that table
i knew him
way back when
he was nobody
but even then
he ate lobster
he drank wine
fierce amounts
water these days
and by all accounts
only salads
out-bloody-rageous
a rock star now
won't even see us
and that vicious cow he's
hooked up with
she's a scream
thin as a rake
i reckon she's out
for all she can take
more coffee Kate?
yeah. why not?
I've a half day
order more gateau
it's my turn to pay
nice here innit?
too right, luv
check out his butt
a weekend with him
i'd soon lose this gut
shssssh. here they come
hi Michael
hi Mary-Jean
your hair was gorgeous
in 'She' Magazine.
very pretty...
new band mike?
your life's all go
thought you were brilliant
on Jools Olland's show
ooooh. he's luverly.
who?
oh Jools
yeah really nice bloke.
i met him in Arrods
but he never spoke
bye Michael...
stuck up brats
youth of today
i think she's a front
and he's really gay
i thought that too
happy though?
Yeah, i suppose.
right. you get the waiter.
i'll powder me nose...
same time next week?
Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 10:49 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
I've made the recommended editing changes to Two Gossips In A Café now Delph and agree, it flows much better. One niggly-naggly doubt though and it's about capital letters.
When I made the changes from 'jools holland's' show to 'Jools Olland's' show and 'harrods' to 'Arrods' I followed your guidance and capitalised because they are names of people and places. This then left me thinking that all names had to begin with capitals e.g; 'michael' becomes 'Michael', 'kate' becomes 'Kate' and 'mary-jean' becomes 'Mary-Jean'. Am I right in doing this or should all text be lowercase?
Cheers
Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 11:27 am
by Catherine Edmunds
I would go for all lower case, but include apostrophes to show the missing letters in 'olland and 'arrods.
This poem's fun, Lugh. Makes me smile each time I read it
Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 11:42 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
delph_ambi wrote:I would go for all lower case, but include apostrophes to show the missing letters in 'olland and 'arrods.
This poem's fun, Lugh. Makes me smile each time I read it
Nice one Delph
...
Knowing it brings on a smile is a great compliment mate. Thanks
Right. Here goes:-
two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.- look at him
posing git
white cotton shirts
and he always sits
at that table
i knew him
way back when
he was nobody
but even then
he ate lobster
he drank wine
fierce amounts
water these days
and by all accounts
only salads
out-bloody-rageous
a rock star now
won't even see us
and that vicious cow he's
hooked up with
she's a scream
thin as a rake
i reckon she's out
for all she can take
more coffee kate?
yeah. why not?
I've a half day
order more gateau
it's my turn to pay
nice here innit?
too right, luv
check out his butt
a weekend with him
i'd soon lose this gut
shssssh. here they come
hi michael
hi mary-jean
your hair was gorgeous
in 'she' magazine.
very pretty...
new band mike?
your life's all go
thought you were brilliant
on Jools 'olland's show
ooooh. he's luverly.
who?
oh jools
yeah really nice bloke.
i met him in 'arrods
but he never spoke
bye michael...
stuck up brats
youth of today
i think she's a front
and he's really gay
i thought that too
happy though?
Yeah, i suppose.
right. you get the waiter.
i'll powder me nose...
same time next week?
Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 12:05 pm
by Catherine Edmunds
Ha... you missed two. There's still a capital J and Y lurking in there Lugh. Happy proofreading...
Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 12:15 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
delph_ambi wrote:Ha... you missed two. There's still a capital J and Y lurking in there Lugh. Happy proofreading...
LOL & Oooops
Right. Here goes (again)
two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.- look at him
posing git
white cotton shirts
and he always sits
at that table
i knew him
way back when
he was nobody
but even then
he ate lobster
he drank wine
fierce amounts
water these days
and by all accounts
only salads
out-bloody-rageous
a rock star now
won't even see us
and that vicious cow he's
hooked up with
she's a scream
thin as a rake
i reckon she's out
for all she can take
more coffee kate?
yeah. why not?
i've a half day
order more gateau
it's my turn to pay
nice here innit?
too right, luv
check out his butt
a weekend with him
i'd soon lose this gut
shssssh. here they come
hi michael
hi mary-jean
your hair was gorgeous
in 'she' magazine.
very pretty...
new band mike?
your life's all go
thought you were brilliant
on jools 'olland's show
ooooh. he's luverly.
who?
oh jools
yeah really nice bloke.
i met him in 'arrods
but he never spoke
bye michael...
stuck up brats
youth of today
i think she's a front
and he's really gay
i thought that too
happy though?
yeah, i suppose.
right. you get the waiter.
i'll powder me nose...
same time next week?
____________
This has been a fun experience Delph.
Nice one mate
...