Two Gossips In A Café. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005

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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Thu Aug 24, 2006 2:21 pm

Okay, back to the serious critiquing. Here are the thoughts that occur.

Generally speaking, you shouldn't use exclamation marks, except in exceptional circumstances. If you read that first line without the exclamation mark, it's actually much stronger. With the exclamation mark it's wide-eyed and surprised; without, it's nasty and bitchy. I'd be inclined to go for the bitchiness. The same goes for probably all the exclamation marks in this piece. Drop the lot, in my view.

"...he was no-one but yet even then" should drop either the "but" or the "yet" as both make a bit of a mouthful. I would put a comma after "no-one" and keep the "but".

"viscous" means gloopy. "vicious" means nasty. "viscious" doesn't mean anything.

I'd put "order more gateau" rather than "gateaux", simply because it feels more natural to say "order more cake" than "more cakes", but I could be completely wrong here.

Now. Dialect. Decide what you're doing. "innit" is Southern. "hun" is Northern (they'd say "luv" if this was London). I think you need to get a very clear idea of their regional accents, and emphasise them far more. Many of the lines here work perfectly well in the queen's English, but then you suddenly inject phrases like "a weekend wae him" which suggests quite a pronounced accent. So yes; more dialect; more odd spellings if you need them to indicate how they're speaking.

I like the way the rhyming comes and goes. Gives it a nicely disjointed feeling; much more naturalistic than if they spoke in perfect rhyming couplets all the time -- but still enough rhyme to make it funny.

I'll return to this if I have any further thoughts. It's a fun piece of writing, Lugh. I'll be fascinated to see what you do with it.

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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Aug 24, 2006 2:37 pm

Excellent critique Delph :D ...

Totally awesome 8) ...

I've got my work cut out for me today lol. I'm gonna grab a cuppa and a sandwich then get to it all.

If it's ok with you I'll post it both to this thread and to my collected works with full acknowledgement of your editing. Then, if you're up for it, we can work further on this piece? There is no rush though Delph...

Cheers :) ...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:48 pm

Hi Delph :)

I have taken your editing guidance for this piece and employed them with it all. The whole poem works much more effectively and gives; Two Gossips In A Café, some more of the comedy I was seeking to tease out. As a result the central characters are much more lifelike now.

Your tips on dialect have also been duly noted and I have worked with them to make the two characters come across as Londoners, perhaps in their late 30's or early 40's. I have always envisioned this piece set outside at the tables of a bistro / café and in summertime. With your editing skills this has become a lot closer. Thank you :D ...

I have also worked with the stanza / verse structures and returned them to either 5 line verse or 5 line broken, which was the way I had intended it in my original drafts.

I have included my standard dark red font in it because the black or normal font colour on the Sensitize messageboards doesn't reveal the switches from standard text to italic very well. Glitch in the matrix I guess.

If you have any other editing guidance for Two Gossips In A Café, I would be very grateful. You can either read it directly below this message, or be taken to it on a seperate page of Sensitize by clicking here.

Thanks Delph :D

Lugh...


_______________


two gossips in a café
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.
    look at him
    posing git
    white cotton shirts
    and he always sits
    at that table

    i knew him
    way back when
    he was no-one
    but even then
    he ate lobster

    he drank wine
    fierce amounts
    water these days
    and by all accounts
    only salads


    outrageous

    a rock star now
    wont even see us
    and that vicious cow he's
    hooked up with


    she's a scream
    thin as a rake
    i reckon she's out
    for all she can take

    more coffee kate?

    yeah. why not?
    I've a half day
    order more gateau
    it's my turn to pay

    nice here innit?

    sure is luv
    check out his butt
    a weekend with him
    i'd soon lose this gut

    shssssh. here they come


    hi michael
    hi mary-jean
    your hair was gorgeous
    in 'she' magazine.

    very pretty...

    new band mike?
    your life's all go
    thought you were brilliant
    on jools holland's show


    ooooh. he's lovely

    who?
    oh jools
    yeah really nice bloke.
    i met him in harrods
    but he never spoke


    bye michael...

    stuck up brats

    youth of today
    i think she's a front
    and he's really gay

    i thought that too

    happy though?

    Yeah, i suppose.
    right. you get the waiter.
    i'll powder my nose...


    same time next week?
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Thu Aug 24, 2006 10:02 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

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Catherine Edmunds
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Posts: 428
Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Thu Aug 24, 2006 5:03 pm

Ah yes, much better. I only have two minutes here at the moment so just a couple of points: if these are Londoners, then it's Jools 'Olland, and the shop's called 'Arrods. :wink:

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Aug 24, 2006 10:05 pm

LOL :lol:

Will get it updated tomorrow Delph.

Thanks :)
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


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