Remanded Pt 1. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2004 / 2006

This link will take you to poetry by featured guests and members of Sensitize ©.

Moderator: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2184
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
Contact:

Remanded Pt 1. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2004 / 2006

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Aug 31, 2006 3:52 pm

remanded. pt 1.
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2004 / 2006 All Rights Reserved

i was led handcuffed out of the courtroom
into a corridor full of barristers
cops, concerned family members
lawyers and other people accused of crime

out through the main doors
into the blistering warmth of a july day

i was guided to the back door
of an armour plated red ford sierra
my head gently but firmly
pushed towards its roasting hot interior

remanded

i was forced onto the rear seat

another cop
big bloke
ginger haired with massive sideburns
got in the other door

he pointed the barrel of his semi-automatic
at my head and snarled
    "behave"!
we were escorted by two motorcycle cops
across the craigavon bridge
out into the countryside
past the river I used to fish in and
the nut house i later stayed in

we went under some trees
down the dual carriageway
that runs along the outside of
a massive industrial estate

i was terrified

i thought i was going to die

ginger smiled, winked and pretended to squeeze his trigger
his eyes never left me as he let out a snigger
    "mind the bumps!
    this gun could go off"
the driver laughed. i coughed
the female cop in the passenger seat said
    "that's enough"
she passed around some cigarettes and lit one up for me
i trembled as i smoked it savouring, every, single, puff

ginger farted then wound down his window
    "you've no sense of humour doll.
    that's your fuckin' problem"
we were guided through the main gates of the prison
past barbed wire fencing, bullet proof grills
metal detectors, british soldiers on security detail

they looked all hot and bothered

remanded...

i was led to a shower room
all new inmates had to wash
and be peppered with anti-flea powder

i was taken to the doctor for a general fitness check
he shuffled loads of paperwork then asked
    "catholic or protestant"?
i said
    "no religion"
he tapped his teeth with his pen
    "that's probably why you're here son"
i broke down in tears
uncontrollable sobs
i needed my prozac
i needed my dad
i needed to know why I was here

he let me cry then said
    "we'll get you sorted. try to get some rest.
    do you have any allergies? are you a vegetarian?
    this prison officer will take you to your cell"
i was confused
my mind locked in a living hell

remanded...


It is with the greatest thanks to Argie that this piece still exists. It was one of my works that got messed up by another writers community and their silly rules and regulations. So, thank you Argie mate. I owe you a few pints for retrieving this for me. I have made a few minor adjustments to it and know it probably needs many more but for now, I simply had to get it down...

Delph. If you can see any way to edit or tighten this work up I would be in your debt mate. There is no rush though. I know you're very busy at the moment with your own writing.

Thanks...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Catherine Edmunds
artist, poet & writer
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: north east england
Contact:

Postby Catherine Edmunds » Wed Sep 06, 2006 2:58 pm

This is powerful and gripping writing.

I spotted a couple of wording changes you might like to consider, plus a couple of punctuation errors.

Wording first. You can have 'blistering heat' but 'blistering warmth' is a bit of an oxymoron. You might like to consider changing that. The other one that struck me was the end line rhyme of 'trigger' and 'snigger'. That sticks out too much. You could make it slightly less obvious by changing the second line to 'his eyes never left me as he sniggered'. Not a big change, and it keeps the rhyme to a certain extent, but it's not quite so 'in yer face' due to the line being much shorter and the rhyme not being perfect any more.

Punctuation glitches: "behave!" and "catholic or protestant?", ie, keep the exclamation/question marks inside the speech marks.

I'll come back to this one in a few days time. Sometimes it's good to read and absorb, but not comment too much immediately. (If I forget, give me a nudge.)

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2184
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
Contact:

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Wed Sep 06, 2006 8:35 pm

delph_ambi wrote:This is powerful and gripping writing.

I spotted a couple of wording changes you might like to consider, plus a couple of punctuation errors.

Wording first. You can have 'blistering heat' but 'blistering warmth' is a bit of an oxymoron. You might like to consider changing that. The other one that struck me was the end line rhyme of 'trigger' and 'snigger'. That sticks out too much. You could make it slightly less obvious by changing the second line to 'his eyes never left me as he sniggered'. Not a big change, and it keeps the rhyme to a certain extent, but it's not quite so 'in yer face' due to the line being much shorter and the rhyme not being perfect any more.

Punctuation glitches: "behave!" and "catholic or protestant?", ie, keep the exclamation/question marks inside the speech marks.

I'll come back to this one in a few days time. Sometimes it's good to read and absorb, but not comment too much immediately. (If I forget, give me a nudge.)


You're a star Delph mate. Thank you :) ...

remanded. pt 1.
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2004 / 2006 All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds


i was led handcuffed out of the courtroom
into a corridor full of barristers
cops, concerned family members
lawyers and other people accused of crime

out through the main doors
into the blistering heat of a july day

i was guided to the back door
of an armour plated red ford sierra
my head gently but firmly
pushed towards its roasting hot interior

remanded

i was forced onto the rear seat

another cop
big bloke
ginger haired with massive sideburns
got in the other door

he pointed the barrel of his semi-automatic
at my head and snarled
    "behave!"
we were escorted by two motorcycle cops
across the craigavon bridge
out into the countryside
past the river I used to fish in and
the nut house i later stayed in

we went under some trees
down the dual carriageway
that runs along the outside of
a massive industrial estate

i was terrified

i thought i was going to die

ginger smiled, winked and pretended to squeeze his trigger
his eyes never left me as he sniggered
    "mind the bumps!
    this gun could go off"
the driver laughed. i coughed
the female cop in the passenger seat said
    "that's enough"
she passed around some cigarettes and lit one up for me
i trembled as i smoked it savouring, every, single, puff

ginger farted then wound down his window
    "you've no sense of humour doll.
    that's your fuckin' problem"
we were guided through the main gates of the prison
past barbed wire fencing, bullet proof grills
metal detectors, british soldiers on security detail

they looked all hot and bothered

remanded...

i was led to a shower room
all new inmates had to wash
and be peppered with anti-flea powder

i was taken to the doctor for a general fitness check
he shuffled loads of paperwork then asked
    "catholic or protestant?"
i said
    "no religion"
he tapped his teeth with his pen
    "that's probably why you're here son"
i broke down in tears
uncontrollable sobs
i needed my prozac
i needed my dad
i needed to know why I was here

he let me cry then said
    "we'll get you sorted. try to get some rest.
    do you have any allergies? are you a vegetarian?
    this prison officer will take you to your cell"
i was confused
my mind locked in a living hell

remanded...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


Return to “New Media Poetry on Sensitize ©”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest