One For Sorrow. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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One For Sorrow. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007.

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Sat Jan 13, 2007 6:11 pm

one for sorrow
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007. All Rights Reserved.
    i saw a magpie
    hugging the riverbank this morning
    fighting as it flew against a gale
    nestward-bound no doubt
    to some high stripped tree branch
    or maybe Derry City's Walls
    i looked for a second
    but just saw the one

    so, one for sorrow
    if these are my signing off words
    i'm glad we had our battles and i
    hate those fucking birds...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Tue Feb 13, 2007 7:36 pm

Good one, Lugh. Moving poem.

Couple of tiny editing points. These are JUST opinions, so feel free to disagree totally.

If you aren't even capitalising 'i', then I wouldn't capitalise Derry City Walls. Even if you decide that has to be capitalised, I would just capitalise Derry City, not its walls. Possibly. Personally, I would put it all in lower case. Even change the wording to derry's walls. Simpler. (Which often means better in poetic terms.)

Last line first stanza: 'but saw just the one' reads more naturally for me than your 'but just saw the one'. Both are correct. Which one you use depends entirely on which feels more natural to your way of speaking.

First line second stanza, I don't think you need 'so'. It's stronger without. I would have 'one for sorrow' on a standalone line, and then, after a gap, the last three lines.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Wed Feb 14, 2007 1:01 am

delph_ambi wrote:Good one, Lugh. Moving poem.

Couple of tiny editing points. These are JUST opinions, so feel free to disagree totally.

If you aren't even capitalising 'i', then I wouldn't capitalise Derry City Walls. Even if you decide that has to be capitalised, I would just capitalise Derry City, not its walls. Possibly. Personally, I would put it all in lower case. Even change the wording to derry's walls. Simpler. (Which often means better in poetic terms.)

Last line first stanza: 'but saw just the one' reads more naturally for me than your 'but just saw the one'. Both are correct. Which one you use depends entirely on which feels more natural to your way of speaking.

First line second stanza, I don't think you need 'so'. It's stronger without. I would have 'one for sorrow' on a standalone line, and then, after a gap, the last three lines.

Hi Delph. I have made all but one of the editing changes you recommended above and have to agree they give the piece a more fluidic and rounded feel. I will attempt a few practice performances and then get back to you.

Re; the form of 'but just saw the one' feels more natural to my accent/dialect and lilt when speaking.

Nice one mate :D ...
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Wed Feb 14, 2007 1:11 am, edited 4 times in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2184
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
Contact:

One For Sorrow. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Wed Feb 14, 2007 1:02 am

one for sorrow
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.

    i saw a magpie
    hugging the riverbank this morning
    fighting as it flew against a gale
    nestward-bound no doubt
    to some high stripped tree branch
    or maybe derry's walls
    i looked for a second
    but just saw the one

    one for sorrow

    if these are my signing off words
    i'm glad we had our battles and i
    hate those fucking birds...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


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