Moderator: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
- Mike Daniels
- poet & writer
- Posts: 113
- Joined: Wed Sep 20, 2006 10:15 am
- Location: The English Queen's Arse, Tongue First 'n' Lovin' It ...
I set in blue ice -
some carved obelisk of uniform distinction
fingers poised over a nonexistent keyboard -
wrapped into the cold.
I watch my white breath -
unfurling of silver fabric that dips and coils
into tongues of frost, seals the bonds of frozen flesh -
in curling dragons.
The bright light has dimmed -
my brain a simple function of innocent grief
that batters against the hidden doorway of life -
- Catherine Edmunds
- artist, poet & writer
- Posts: 428
- Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
- Location: north east england
Line one, I can't help feeling 'set' should be 'sit'. Both work. 'sit' is more obvious, 'set' more subtle, and has a completely different meaning, of course. 'set' would work further into the poem, but at the very start, I think you need the more obvious word to get the reader engaged. Having said that, I think I'm about to talk myself out of it and say I actually prefer 'set'. Hmm... 'sit' gives you more rhymes. I dunno. Can't decide.
Middle two lines of last stanza are deliciously OTT. Or are they? Thing is, it's January, the boiler's on the blink... that fact takes over one's whole existence. All of which brings me back to my original thought of not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Superficially it's a funny poem, but... maybe not. Maybe it is these 'little' problems that act as a trigger to bring to the surface all the angst in the poetic soul.
Having laughed at first, I'm now inclined to take this one very seriously.
- Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
- site owner, media producer & writer
- Posts: 2184
- Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
- Location: Derry, Ireland
I've deliberately taken time to respond to it because I didn't want to post some hap-hazzard rant that missed the point or failed to let you know how much I admire your writing. As with many of your works I'm caught and somewhat dazzled by the ambience and setting. Your ability to stir the reader's mind and beckon it fully into the scene is flawless perfection. You have all the qualities most screenwriters would die for and I don't say this lightly.
I've been considering for quite a while, creating a board on here for poetry on certain themes. I think it's safe to say there would be a fine selection from our active members if we tackled themes like morning, day and night for instance. I'll put something together through the week.
One final point and it's said with tongue firmly in cheek: You do like your bath mate .
Thanks for sharing this poem Mike...
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