Tin Can Man by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007

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Tin Can Man by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Tue Feb 13, 2007 5:47 am

tin can man
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007. All Rights Reserved.

four fifty-nine am
the tin can man
as I've come to call him
is making a racket
in the carpark below

he stamps on the empties
angrily crushing them
under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly sod. like they'd know!

who knows?
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
we all should be asking...


Quick request of danimik and delph_ambi.

I first began writing this poem (Tin Can Man) back in 2005 and it later inspired me to write a short screenplay called; The Groundsmen which is now sadly lost somewhere deep in the depths of Dome 2.

That screenplay was about bi-polar depression and many of the misunderstandings concerning the condition. I also lost the finalised version of the poem up above.

Mike (danimik), you might remember the work I put into this and hopefully you recall how you assisted me with the structuring.

I would be grateful to you and Delph if you gave me a few pointers on the salvaged version up above please. Are there any suggestions either of you can make on the piece to tease it out further and perhaps make it more impacting?

Thanks in advance...
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Fri May 09, 2008 9:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

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Catherine Edmunds
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Postby Catherine Edmunds » Tue Feb 20, 2007 7:01 pm

This one's very familiar. I'm sure I've made suggestions before. However, here are some new ones.

First of all, I did a little digging on Dome2, and found an older version. It had an additional stanza at the end. Didn't need it. This is tighter. (I only found it because someone had quoted it in a response; the original was no longer there.)

I would make one or two small alterations. First stanza: I would start the second line with 'and'. Then I'd drop the third line. Obviously this is what you call him, as this is what you've just called him, so I think you don't need to say as much.

Second stanza, I'd drop 'angrily'. He's stamping, he's crushing cans under his boot, which is an aggressive action, so he's clearly not thinking about sweetness and light. I would join the second and third lines ('crushing them under his boot') to make this a four line stanza. I'd also insert 'old' between silly and sod. Simply sounds better. Easier to read out loud.

Third stanza, I would drop 'who knows?' because I don't like the repetition of 'know' from the end second stanza. For the last line, I would re-instate 'all of us need to ask' from the earlier version, rather than 'we all should be asking...'. I think it's stronger, and it gives you the rhyme with 'deep', so flows well from the previous line. Much better rhythm too.

Thus with my suggested revisions, you have:

four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
is making a racket
in the carpark below

he stamps on the empties
crushing them under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!

maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us need to ask.

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Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
site owner, media producer & writer
Posts: 2184
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Wed Feb 21, 2007 11:40 pm

delph_ambi wrote:This one's very familiar. I'm sure I've made suggestions before. However, here are some new ones.

First of all, I did a little digging on Dome2, and found an older version. It had an additional stanza at the end. Didn't need it. This is tighter. (I only found it because someone had quoted it in a response; the original was no longer there.)

I would make one or two small alterations. First stanza: I would start the second line with 'and'. Then I'd drop the third line. Obviously this is what you call him, as this is what you've just called him, so I think you don't need to say as much.

Second stanza, I'd drop 'angrily'. He's stamping, he's crushing cans under his boot, which is an aggressive action, so he's clearly not thinking about sweetness and light. I would join the second and third lines ('crushing them under his boot') to make this a four line stanza. I'd also insert 'old' between silly and sod. Simply sounds better. Easier to read out loud.

Third stanza, I would drop 'who knows?' because I don't like the repetition of 'know' from the end second stanza. For the last line, I would re-instate 'all of us need to ask' from the earlier version, rather than 'we all should be asking...'. I think it's stronger, and it gives you the rhyme with 'deep', so flows well from the previous line. Much better rhythm too.

Thus with my suggested revisions, you have:

four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
is making a racket
in the carpark below

he stamps on the empties
crushing them under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!

maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us need to ask.

Hi Delph...

Thanks for taking the time out to review this piece. It definitely needed your editing skills. However, I'm not sure if I'm happy with the last line and think it would read better (sounds better) if it was; 'all of us should ask.' I've got people calling here soon, so will make the changes tomorrow.

Nice one :) ...
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

User avatar
Catherine Edmunds
artist, poet & writer
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: north east england
Contact:

Postby Catherine Edmunds » Thu Feb 22, 2007 12:01 am

I think that last line is simply a question of one's own natural speech rhythms, Lugh. Obviously go with what works best for you.

User avatar
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
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Posts: 2184
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2006 7:32 am
Location: Derry, Ireland
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Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Feb 22, 2007 2:57 am

delph_ambi wrote:I think that last line is simply a question of one's own natural speech rhythms, Lugh. Obviously go with what works best for you.

Cheers Delph :D ...
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.


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