danimik wrote:Late to the party as usual - its all about making an entrance, you know.
I'd suggest removal of the gerunds...its an old saw, I know, and not always appropriate, but they do have a habit of slowing things down and removing tension from a piece.
four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
makes a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties,
crushes them under his boot,
rants to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us should ask...
Can't think of anything else at present
Welcome back mate and thanks for your feedback on Tin Can Man
too. Yes, the changes you have recommended for it, make it more effective and fluidic. I will incorporate them into the next edit and add you to the credits along with Delph as an Editor.
You do realise that that absolute cad; Spacecadet Dave is up to all sorts of bedivilment on here? I'm at my wit's end with both him and Marmite. Not sleeping at night and waking whenever I do, I'm screaming:-
"It's all Dave's fault!"
This was highly embarrassing on the bus into town the other day. When I mentioned 'Marmititus' everyone else shrieked and ducked under their seats. One even dived through a window. Strange carry-on
He (Dave) also edited my photograph and implied I like the horrid substance.
So.., what am I saying with all of this?
Oh yes, that's it.
I'll give you a tenner if you write a poem about Marmititus, that satisfies Dave's fiendish appetite and abhorent pleasure for the terrible stuff and quells this latest outbreak. I'm firmly convinced that like Golum in the Lord Of The Rings stories, Dave is actually a decent sort that's been turned into an advert executive for this dark and dreadful vegetarian goo. I believe that, if subjected to enough poetry he will crack and become sane...
Oh yeah. Guinness have merged with Marmite to make a crossover hybrid. Dreadful affair. Nothing, and I mean nothing
, is safe anymore...
For further details on just how delirious Dave has become, and how mad Guinness are becoming, go to the Dear Dave
thread and see for yourself.
They're all mad I tellz ya.
M A D