This poem is like high veocity

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Sergi the snail
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This poem is like high veocity

Postby Sergi the snail » Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:22 am

I wrote this poem some years ago but listening to High Velocity (very muck likning) I rembered it and post it here.

the same as high velocity it was real times that made me write it
please help with the englisg if anyone wants to . It will make it more good hopefully

By the shipyard

The Children threw potatos that had hardened overnight
Innocent, yet could cause a nasty hurt
with his huge moustache and flared nostrils the policeman gave the
signal, his breath clouding the still night..
Fire, live rounds...aim for the legs

Pops and crackles like a childrens fire work set
then, when the smoke cleared, an horrific sight

Anuska, my childhood friend, lying in a pool of red jelly
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.
the winter of 86 changed me forever
I never ate meat again, and potatoes make me sad.....

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Postby joanne chapman » Wed Apr 12, 2006 7:36 am

This poem is so sad sergie, especially as its written from real events.

Although english is my first language I do have problems with some words (usually very simple words). The best way for you to learn is to keep writing. The way we spell things just don't look right to me sometimes. I never got any help with spelling at school because no-one noticed that I had any problems in this area. Saying all that I am now doing a Degree with hons so nothing is impossible.

You are more than welcome to send any posts to me by private message and I could point out any spelling mistakes before you post it onto the forum. Or if there are any words you are not sure about, then let me know. Hopefully you will overcome this minor problem soon.

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Re: This poem is like high veocity

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Thu Apr 13, 2006 7:58 pm

Sergi the snail wrote:I wrote this poem some years ago but listening to High Velocity (very muck likning) I rembered it and post it here.

the same as high velocity it was real times that made me write it
please help with the englisg if anyone wants to . It will make it more good hopefully

By the shipyard

The Children threw potatos that had hardened overnight
Innocent, yet could cause a nasty hurt
with his huge moustache and flared nostrils the policeman gave the
signal, his breath clouding the still night..
Fire, live rounds...aim for the legs

Pops and crackles like a childrens fire work set
then, when the smoke cleared, an horrific sight

Anuska, my childhood friend, lying in a pool of red jelly
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.
the winter of 86 changed me forever
I never ate meat again, and potatoes make me sad.....


Very effective piece Sergi. Well delivered. I am curious though. Have you translated it directly from Polish? If so, some of the translation is slightly weak. I don't mean to be critical. Like I said, it's an effective poem. I do however believe that with a few tiny adjustments, this would be a profoundly impacting work and could lend itself very well to film, just like High Velocity...

Great introduction to you and your work. Thanks for sharing it Sergi :)
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

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Re: This poem is like high veocity

Postby Louis P. Burns aka Lugh » Fri Apr 14, 2006 3:33 pm

Sergi the snail wrote:
By the shipyard...

The Children threw potatos that had hardened overnight
Innocent, yet could cause a nasty hurt
with his huge moustache and flared nostrils the policeman gave the
signal, his breath clouding the still night..
Fire, live rounds...aim for the legs

Pops and crackles like a childrens fire work set
then, when the smoke cleared, an horrific sight

Anuska, my childhood friend, lying in a pool of red jelly
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.
the winter of 86 changed me forever
I never ate meat again, and potatoes make me sad.....


_______________


How about:-
    By the shipyard

    The Children threw potatoes that had hardened overnight.
    An innocent activity.
    None of them aware of how much they could hurt.

    With his huge moustache and flared nostrils
    the policeman gave a signal.
    His breath clouding in the cold of night:
    "Fire! Live rounds!
    Aim for the legs"..!

    Then;

    the; 'pop' and 'crackle',
    like a firework display.
    'Death's chill', coughing
    smoke that slowly cleared
    over my friend, Anuska.

    A pool of jellied red congealed around
    cold-hardened potatoes.
    The garnish revealed something like
    'a cannibal's dinner'.

    1986 changed me forever.

    Potatoes sadden me
    and I will not eat meat.
    Ever...
______________

Hi Sergi. Sorry if it looks as though I have destroyed your poem. That is not my intention. What I have done is worked more with imagery and tense. All but the last four lines are in past tense to reveal a time-line, while the last four lines bring the reader up to the present day and where the writer is at now, by consequence e.g. melancholy and vegetarian.

I will not take credit for this version unless you say I can. I respect that this is a variation on your work and that you may choose to keep or do away with it.

I enjoyed the challenge of working with this though...

Cheers...
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Fri Apr 14, 2006 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.

Sergi the snail
visitor

Souns better

Postby Sergi the snail » Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:28 pm

Yes Lugh that sounds much better and yes it was translated. rather poorly from Polish

I like you version very much only the line
The garnish revealed something like
'a cannibal's dinner'.

dosent work for me as my line
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.

the word garnish makes more impact.

This is wonderful though Poets in different toungs helping each others work
I very much like what is haappening


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