SENSITIZE ©

thought i'd post a few of my poems.
i write about quite personal stuff, some long, some short, some funny, some not.
i need more practice but i wont get any unless i start putting myself out there.
i'm new at all this business, so be kind.
as i said above, here goes!......

someone to wash over me

your love is like the mixer tap,
that sits upon my bath.
I lovingly try to turn them,
to get the desired temperature.
Too much to the left,
and it all gets cold -
like when you get scared.

Too much the other way,
and it get's too hot
that's when my hopes rise,
that you are madly in love with me,
but just like my toe that dips in and scalds,
you withdraw and become cold again.

You can't seem to find the happy medium,
where hot and cold unite,
to make sure the flow of love,
is not boiling or freezing,
but just about right


whilst you're away

i lie around in bed all day
to function well is not my intention
someone call the mental health
i need an intervention

Morrissey understands me

I'm sat here feeling empty
I've started listening to The Smiths
and all because every minute passing
it's you, you, you i miss

Mantra

i don't need a man to complete me

i don't need a man to complete me

(but if you were mine, it would be divine)

i don't need a man to complete me






i have loads more but wont bore you all with them......yet!!

x
[/b]

you're not boring anyone lauren. these poems are great. i particularly enjoyed the whole approach of the first one; someone to wash over me. very nicely delivered little observation on love and the nature of it all.

i'll be totally honest with you here. i'm shattered right now. it's nearly 3 am. i will respond more fully when i surface tomorrow (er) later today...

good stuff mate and thanks for sharing ...

Lauren Arthington wrote:someone to wash over me
your love is like the mixer tap,
that sits upon my bath.
I lovingly try to turn them,
to get the desired temperature.
Too much to the left,
and it all gets cold -
like when you get scared.

Too much the other way,
and it get's too hot
that's when my hopes rise,
that you are madly in love with me,
but just like my toe that dips in and scalds,
you withdraw and become cold again.

You can't seem to find the happy medium,
where hot and cold unite,
to make sure the flow of love,
is not boiling or freezing,
but just about right

first stanza or verse

first line. shouldn't that be 'taps' instead of 'tap'?
second line. shouldn't that be 'sit' instead of 'sits'?
'effect' rather than 'temperature'? (that's just my personal opinion)

second stanza or verse

third line. shouldn't that be hope rises' instead of hopes rise'?
fifth line. "but just like my toe that dips in and scalds" maybe consider; 'but just like my toe that dips and burns'?

third stanza or verse

perfect. i wouldn't change a bit of it ...

my only other observation is one of punctuation. according to catherine edmunds (published author who posts on here occasionally) and mike daniels (aka danimik), it is fashionable within poetry these days to have no capitalisation of letters and for all punctuation other than exclamation and question marks where needed to be removed. please note that i did however keep the hyphen towards the end of verse one. here is your poem laid out like so and with the slight adjustments I suggested above:

• someone to wash over me
  By Lauren Arthington © 2008. All rights reserved.
  
  your love is like the mixer taps
  that sit upon my bath
  i lovingly try to turn them
  to get the desired effect
  too much to the left
  and it all gets cold -
  like when you get scared
  
  too much the other way
  and it get's too hot
  that's when my hope rises
  that you are madly in love with me
  but just like my toe that dips and burns
  you withdraw and become cold again
  
  you can't seem to find the happy medium
  where hot and cold unite
  to make sure the flow of love
  is not boiling or freezing
  but just about right

I've been using the same formula with my own poetry writing for roughly a year (on and off) and have to admit it's a liberating one. the focus being more on what's put on the page than convention, rules and regulations. a loosening takes place and I'm freer to delve into the content more and tweak out what i really want to say with any given piece. I know there are tonnoes of examples on here by me where this isn't the case, yet. That said, if they're poems by me, they're losing all punctuation (except those absolutely needed) and capitalisations before going up on the Sensitize e-zine ...

Cracking poem Lauren. Thanks for sharing ...

your tweaks work, it's hard to take a step back from your own stuff and see little things like that.

it is now ready!!!!

Lauren Arthington wrote:your tweaks work, it's hard to take a step back from your own stuff and see little things like that.

it is now ready!!!!

It is indeed Lauren and I'd be grateful if you did the same for me too please ...

Right, 2 quick questions for ya:

1) Should there be a question mark at the very end of it? I'm not sure myself to be honest lol...

2) How come you've posted it on your forum but added the other poems? It's not a problem. I'm just curious. Wouldn't it be better if each one started on its own thread / new topic? Just in case someone wants to give you feedback on a particular piece...

Cheers Lauren...