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ok here goes!!!!

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:31 pm
by Lauren Arthington
thought i'd post a few of my poems.
i write about quite personal stuff, some long, some short, some funny, some not.
i need more practice but i wont get any unless i start putting myself out there.
i'm new at all this business, so be kind.
as i said above, here goes!......

someone to wash over me

your love is like the mixer tap,
that sits upon my bath.
I lovingly try to turn them,
to get the desired temperature.
Too much to the left,
and it all gets cold -
like when you get scared.

Too much the other way,
and it get's too hot
that's when my hopes rise,
that you are madly in love with me,
but just like my toe that dips in and scalds,
you withdraw and become cold again.

You can't seem to find the happy medium,
where hot and cold unite,
to make sure the flow of love,
is not boiling or freezing,
but just about right


whilst you're away

i lie around in bed all day
to function well is not my intention
someone call the mental health
i need an intervention

Morrissey understands me

I'm sat here feeling empty
I've started listening to The Smiths
and all because every minute passing
it's you, you, you i miss

Mantra

i don't need a man to complete me

i don't need a man to complete me

(but if you were mine, it would be divine)

i don't need a man to complete me






i have loads more but wont bore you all with them......yet!!

x
[/b]

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:38 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
you're not boring anyone lauren. these poems are great. i particularly enjoyed the whole approach of the first one; someone to wash over me. very nicely delivered little observation on love and the nature of it all.

i'll be totally honest with you here. i'm shattered right now. it's nearly 3 am. i will respond more fully when i surface tomorrow (er) later today...

good stuff mate and thanks for sharing :D ...

Re: ok here goes!!!!

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:27 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Lauren Arthington wrote:someone to wash over me
your love is like the mixer tap,
that sits upon my bath.
I lovingly try to turn them,
to get the desired temperature.
Too much to the left,
and it all gets cold -
like when you get scared.

Too much the other way,
and it get's too hot
that's when my hopes rise,
that you are madly in love with me,
but just like my toe that dips in and scalds,
you withdraw and become cold again.

You can't seem to find the happy medium,
where hot and cold unite,
to make sure the flow of love,
is not boiling or freezing,
but just about right


first stanza or verse

first line. shouldn't that be 'taps' instead of 'tap'?
second line. shouldn't that be 'sit' instead of 'sits'?
'effect' rather than 'temperature'? (that's just my personal opinion)

second stanza or verse

third line. shouldn't that be hope rises' instead of hopes rise'?
fifth line. "but just like my toe that dips in and scalds" maybe consider; 'but just like my toe that dips and burns'?

third stanza or verse

perfect. i wouldn't change a bit of it :) ...

my only other observation is one of punctuation. according to catherine edmunds (published author who posts on here occasionally) and mike daniels (aka danimik), it is fashionable within poetry these days to have no capitalisation of letters and for all punctuation other than exclamation and question marks where needed to be removed. please note that i did however keep the hyphen towards the end of verse one. here is your poem laid out like so and with the slight adjustments I suggested above:
    someone to wash over me
    By Lauren Arthington © 2008. All rights reserved.

    your love is like the mixer taps
    that sit upon my bath
    i lovingly try to turn them
    to get the desired effect
    too much to the left
    and it all gets cold -
    like when you get scared

    too much the other way
    and it get's too hot
    that's when my hope rises
    that you are madly in love with me
    but just like my toe that dips and burns
    you withdraw and become cold again

    you can't seem to find the happy medium
    where hot and cold unite
    to make sure the flow of love
    is not boiling or freezing
    but just about right

I've been using the same formula with my own poetry writing for roughly a year (on and off) and have to admit it's a liberating one. the focus being more on what's put on the page than convention, rules and regulations. a loosening takes place and I'm freer to delve into the content more and tweak out what i really want to say with any given piece. I know there are tonnoes of examples on here by me where this isn't the case, yet. That said, if they're poems by me, they're losing all punctuation (except those absolutely needed) and capitalisations before going up on the Sensitize e-zine 8) ...

Cracking poem Lauren. Thanks for sharing :) ...

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:38 pm
by Lauren Arthington
your tweaks work, it's hard to take a step back from your own stuff and see little things like that.

it is now ready!!!!

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:46 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Lauren Arthington wrote:your tweaks work, it's hard to take a step back from your own stuff and see little things like that.

it is now ready!!!!

It is indeed Lauren and I'd be grateful if you did the same for me too please :D ...

Right, 2 quick questions for ya:

1) Should there be a question mark at the very end of it? I'm not sure myself to be honest lol...

2) How come you've posted it on your forum but added the other poems? It's not a problem. I'm just curious. Wouldn't it be better if each one started on its own thread / new topic? Just in case someone wants to give you feedback on a particular piece...

Cheers Lauren...

:)