A few old jokes...
Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 3:45 pm
Language is the key
A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at
his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile,
"So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido gently reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish barely able to speak" and the beautiful blonde
whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Graffitti found in a Caribbean island's bathroom.
If it is yellow,
let it mellow.
If it is brown,
flush it down!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to a nswer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give it a damn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
deer vs. dear
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let
them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said,
'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams 'Don't eat it, it's a 'fucking asshole'!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WALMART JOKE
A very loud, unattractive, over weight, mean spirited woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't.
Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a great day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUOTE OF THE DAY (23-Sep-2007)
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common --- they both should be
changed regularly and for the same reason!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Crap Like A Man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without
touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result
of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a
real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to
your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities
to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,
consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell
people about it.
10.Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
paper before throwing it into the bowl.
*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on
the paper.
11.Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will
come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the
toilet.
12.Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor
(you can use it again later).
13.Wash your hands once.
14.Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important
to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE FAIRLY POLITICAL (?) ONES
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked
by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an
example of 'Empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent
many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever
asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
**************
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended
to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their
flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
Once again, dead silence.
*****************
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked,
'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences
rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied
'Maybe its because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's in a name?
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted a very attractive man
standing alone. After watching him a few minutes, she approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name and also uncommon," he said.
"Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
the most in life - cars and men. What's your name?"
"Beertits," he said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Love this DOCTOR - This is REAL medicine and not what you're taught out there.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste
them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of yourcar by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening... . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best
feel-good food around! !
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, especially down there, and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at
his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile,
"So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido gently reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish barely able to speak" and the beautiful blonde
whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Graffitti found in a Caribbean island's bathroom.
If it is yellow,
let it mellow.
If it is brown,
flush it down!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to a nswer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give it a damn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
deer vs. dear
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let
them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said,
'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams 'Don't eat it, it's a 'fucking asshole'!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WALMART JOKE
A very loud, unattractive, over weight, mean spirited woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't.
Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a great day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUOTE OF THE DAY (23-Sep-2007)
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common --- they both should be
changed regularly and for the same reason!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Crap Like A Man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without
touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result
of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a
real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to
your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities
to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,
consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell
people about it.
10.Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
paper before throwing it into the bowl.
*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on
the paper.
11.Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will
come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the
toilet.
12.Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor
(you can use it again later).
13.Wash your hands once.
14.Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important
to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE FAIRLY POLITICAL (?) ONES
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked
by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an
example of 'Empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent
many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever
asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
**************
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended
to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their
flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
Once again, dead silence.
*****************
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked,
'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences
rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied
'Maybe its because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's in a name?
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted a very attractive man
standing alone. After watching him a few minutes, she approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name and also uncommon," he said.
"Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
the most in life - cars and men. What's your name?"
"Beertits," he said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Love this DOCTOR - This is REAL medicine and not what you're taught out there.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste
them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of yourcar by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening... . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best
feel-good food around! !
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, especially down there, and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
...