Jokes...

[joanne chapman]

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney -
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

hahahahahaha

Took me ages to get that one Jo. Classic...

Welcome back mate

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

A Quick Cyber-Impersonation...

Who is this:-

Wulcime t oour camunityf or writ ers. We aimt ogive h onist fedbuck on o urm embers. O uronly r uleis k indnesto others.

[Catherine Edmunds]

tsk tsk...

*chuckles*

[joanne chapman]

Bloke goes into a chemist and asks for a packet of aspirin. He makes his purchase and leaves the shop.
A few seconds later the shopkeeper notices that he had sold him arsenic by mistake.
The shopkeeper chases after the man.

When the shopkeeper tells him of the mistake the man asks 'what's the difference'? The shopkeeper replied '£1.50'.

[Catherine Edmunds]

Someone just emailed this one to me


Redneck First-aid

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Very 'tongue-in-cheek Delph

____________________________

The manager of a cinema is walking around it late at night when he hears a loud groan coming from the theatre area. He switches on his torch and goes to see what's making the noise.

More groaning...

The manager finally finds a man sprawled over the chairs with his arms dislocated and his legs wrapped around his neck. By this time the man is groaning much more so he calms him down by asking him what his name is.

The man replies in short gasps "Paul"...

The manager then asks him where he came from and the man gasps;

"The balcony"..!

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

A man walks into a pub with a massive leatherbound book under his arm. He lifts it up onto the bar and orders a pint of lager.

The barman comments on the size of the book and asks what it's about.

The man replies;

• "Agh! It's complicated mate. You wouldn't understand".

The barman looks a bit miffed by the man's answer and as he hands over the pint of lager he says;

• "Just because I work in a bar, doesn't mean I'm stupid!. Now, what's the book about"?

The man sighs...

• "Ok" he says. "It's about lateral thinking".

The barman asks him what lateral thinking is and the man ponders the question for a while. Then he asks;

• "Do you have any goldfish at home"?

The barman says;.

• "Yes. As a matter of fact, I've got 5 in a big tank"...

The man nods his head and smiles. Then he says;

• "So, when you've finished a busy nightshift here, you presumable go straight home and feed your fish. Am I right"?

Again, the barman answers;

• "Yes"...

The man then says;

• "Right. You've told me you have 5 goldfish in a big tank. Presumably you keep this tank on a table or a sideboard"?

The barman says;

• "Yeah. I keep the tank on a table over by the livingroom window".

The man says;

• "Ahhh" "So, if you have a livingroom, then you either have a flat or a house".

Again, the barman answers;

• "I have a 3 bedroom house".

The man says;

• "So, the whole notion that you run straight home, rip down your trousers and pants and have a bloody good wank thinking about all the lovely women you've served in the bar all night, doesn't apply to you.
  
  Back to my original point. When you've finished a busy nightshift here, you presumable go straight home and feed your goldfish. Am I right"?

Again, the barman answers;

• "Yes"...

The man takes a sip of his pint and looks directly at the barman. He smiles and with a theatrical wink says;

• "See how much I know about you just by asking a simple question about goldfish"?

He taps the front of the book and says;

• "That my friend, is lateral thinking"...

The barman is entralled by this and smiles broadly. Another customer walks into the bar and as the barman is serving him he asks;

• "Do you have any goldfish"?

The customer replies;

• "No".

The barman points at the customer and yells;

• "Wanker"..!

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

A young lad, about 12 years old, walks into a chemists and asks for a pack of Tampax. The woman behind the counter asks;

• "are they for your mum?"

The lads says;

• "no".

The woman asks;

• "are they for your sister?"

Again the lad says;

• "no."

The woman is somewhat confused by this and asks;

• "are they for your grandmother?"

The lad says;

• "nope."

The woman gets annoyed and abruptly asks;

• "well who are they for then?"

The lad says;

• "they're for me."

The woman looks at him for a while then asks;

• "why do you want Tampax?"

The lad replies;

• "I want to be able to play water polo, tennis and netball too!"

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Two cowboys out riding the plains, come across a native American Indian, lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

• 1st Cowboy:
  "Whatcha doin' there fella?"
  
  Indian:
  "Three stagecoach passed this way four hours ago."
  
  2nd Cowboy:
  "Say what you will about these barbarians. They sure as hell know the land."
  
  Indian:
  Twelve suitcases. Twelve passengers. Rider and shotgun on each stagecoach."
  
  1st Cowboy:
  "Dang! He's good."
  
  Indian:
  "Four horses each stagecoach."
  
  2nd Cowboy:
  "Now hold on there injun! How the hell d'ya know all that?"
  
  Indian:
  They ran over me."

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

During the conflict in Belfast a man walks into a bar and orders a cigar, a pint of Guinness and a large whiskey with no ice. The barman serves him. He watches as his pint settles, reaches for his whiskey, takes a sip then lights up his cigar.

As he's puffing the cigar a young hooligan comes running through the bar. He bumps into the man who gets drenched with whiskey. To make matters worse, when he reaches to wipe the whiskey from his sleeve the cigar rubs on it and it goes up in flames.

He runs from the bar out into the busy Belfast street, flailing about and screaming in agony.

A Policeman shoots him.

At the enquiry following the man's death the cop who killed him said that when he confronted the man he had to shoot because the target had an 'armalite'.

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Two cows standing in a field, chatting. One says;

"Mooooooo!!!"

The other says;

"Fuck! I was just gonna say that!"

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

BLACK & WHITE HORSES

• A man is driving down a dark stretch of road on a winter night when his cars stops. He doesn't know that much about cars but pops the hood and gets out to take a look at the engine. He shines a torch at it and scratches his head in confusion. He really is at a loss as to what the problem might be.
  
  Suddenly, he feels a hot breath on the back of his neck and then hears a deep, slow, mournful, drawn-out voice say;
  
  "It's the carborator."
  
  He's terrified. His mind races as an owl hoots in a tree and fog rolls around his feet. Who could be behind him? He looks at the engine once again and the voice says;
  
  "It's the carborator."
  
  He panics and twists around swiftly to see a large black horse standing behind him, nodding its head.
  
  "It's the carborator."
  
  This is too much for the man and he decides that he's seeing things. He yanks at the carborator, slams the hood down and jumps into the driver's seat.
  
  Before he knows it, he's driven about 17 miles scared witless by his encounter with the horse. He sees some lights up ahead and as he gets closer he realises that it's a bar. He parks the car badly and runs in through the open doors straight up to the bar.
  
  "Gimme a large whiskey! No wait! Make that 6 large whiskeys. No ice!"
  
  The barman is quite alarmed at this order and asks the man if he's ok.
  
  "I don't know" he replies...
  
  The barman then says;
  
  "You look terrified. Like you've seen a ghost."
  
  The man gulps 5 of his whiskeys down, one after the other then says;
  
  "My car broke down. I don't know much about cars but was out looking at the engine when I heard a voice behind me say; 'It's the carborator.' I turned and I swear to God, there was this massive black horse nodding its head and telling me there was something wrong with my carborator! I nearly died with fright!"
  
  The barman listens to all this and then calmly says;
  
  "You lucky bastard!"
  
  The man just looks at him in confusion then asks;
  
  "Lucky? How the feck was I lucky?"
  
  "Well" says the barman. It could have been the white horse."
  
  The man continues to stare at the barman, his confusion mounting as he gulps the last of his whiskey then he says;
  
  "I don't get it. What's the difference?"
  
  "Well" says the barman. "The white horse knows absolutely nothing about cars..."