By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2006. All Rights Reserved
- perched
the raven is black.
thin wolves hunt throughout winter.
flesh falls. old bones crack.
soon
the raven will feast.
comical, deadly silence.
a majestic beast.
Moderator: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Coming from you, that is excellent to hear indeed Delph. Thank you very much ...delph_ambi wrote:Can't remember if I ever posted a reply to this one elsewhere, but if I didn't, shame on me. This is a beautiful evocation of the picture, and a superb poem in its own right.
I'll be honest. I remember struggling with this myself while writing, but I was sticking to a rythym which was in the form of two haiku verses seperated by one syllable words to give it a rounder, more solidly poetic feel. What if I changed 'soon' to 'then'? Would that work?delph_ambi wrote:One suggestion; I'm not sure 'soon' is a strong enough word for that standalone line. For some reason, I think 'later' would work better. I'm not really sure why.
the raven.delph_ambi wrote:No, I don't like 'then' at all. Far too abrupt. I preferred soon.
It strikes me that 'perched' is virtually two syllables anyway, so it wouldn't be stretching a point too far to use 'later'.
You need to be careful never to let a self-imposed form weaken a good poem.
Hi Mike ... Cool link. I've just read Andy Roberts' lyrics to 'The Raven' and they're pretty interesting. Although, the raven 'picked' something (first verse) and I'm not quite sure what lol. The references to neighbour growing gardens that they smoked was neat too ...danimik wrote:I've just picked up a cd anthology of Andy Roberts work - the first song of which is called 'the raven.' (Lyrics here - amongst others - http://www.andyrobertsmusic.com/lyrics.html )
He was a founder member of Liverpool Scene - the music/poetry/perfoming arts group that included Adrian Henri, a founder member of Grimms with roger McGough, John Gorman and others, a founder member of Plainsong with Ian Matthews, and a singer songwriter of some quality (imo, though I know he's not to everyones taste). Whilst touring and recording, he managed to obtain a law degree. (I do mean whilst as a simultaneous occurance running in parallel rather than a first-this-and-then-that-and-then-this-again type thing.)
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