Jokes...

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Tell each other jokes in here...

I'll get the ball rolling with an old favourite of mine...

• Q: What was old, rusty and leaned against Canterbury Cathedral for several years?

• A: Terry Waits' bike..!

[joanne chapman]

Elton John goes to a tatoo shop.

'I want a Rolls Royce Tattoo on my cock' said elton

The tattooist said 'better make it a land rover mate, think of the amount of shit it has to go through'.

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

And some news just in...

A ship carrying several thousand yo-yo's has sunk off the Southeast of England.

83 times

[joanne chapman]

This is an old one, like myself.

A young native indian boy goes to his chief and asks, how do you come to name the young?

The chief said, well when the child arrives, I go outside and take a look around. If I see the sun rising then the child will be named 'rising sun', if I see a deer running then the child will be named 'running deer'.

Why do you ask 'two dogs fucking'?

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

CLEVER LITTLE DOG...

A butcher is laying out trays of meat on his display shelves one morning when a little Jack Russell dog comes walking into the store with a piece of paper and a money bag hanging out of its' mouth.

The butcher smiles. He leans forward and prizes the note and bag from the dog. He reads the note which says;

• "This is Barney my dog. Please give him £5.00's worth of best quality back bacon".

The butcher, seeing an opportunity to make some quick and easy cash, tries to give the dog cheap streaky bacon instead. The dog growls and snarls. The butcher promptly replaces the meat with best quality back bacon. The dog turns and walks out of the store with the bag of meat hanging from its' jaw. The butcher thinks to himself;

• 'Now that's one clever little dog'...

The next morning the dog walks back into the store with another note and money bag. The butcher reaches and reads the note which says;

• "Please give Barney £5.00's worth of chicken breast fillets"...

The butcher decides to test the dog and gives it turkey breast meat instead. The dog growls and snarls. The butcher is impressed and quickly changes the turkey for chicken. The dog walks out of the store wagging its' tail. Again, the butcher thinks;

• 'Clever little dog'...

The next morning Barney the dog is back in the store and has another money bag and note hanging from his lips. The butcher smiles, reaches down and takes the the lot. He reads the note which says;

• "Please give Barney £5.00's worth of Sirloin steak"...

More from curiosity than anything else the butcher tries to give the dog low quality frying steak instead. The dog growls and snarls so the butcher quickly changes the meat for Sirloin. The dog turns and walks out of the store. The butcher grabs his coat and locks the shop up.

He follows the dog across town through a park and past a pond to a block of apartments. The dog walks into an elevator and the butcher gets in as well. He looks down at the dog and smiles. Pretty soon the elevator gets to the 12th floor and the dogs trots out. It runs down the hall and the butcher watches as it scratches at a front door. The door opens and a big, fat, hairy arm appears, grabs the dog by the throat and swings it around in the air. Then it punches the dog so hard it flies across the hall and slides down the opposite wall.

The butcher is furious and runs down the hallway yelling;

• "Hey ya bastard..! Leave that poor dog alone..! He's very clever"..!

He comes face to face with the owner of the dog who looks confused and shouts;

• "Clever? Clever"..!

The butcher shouts;

• "Yeah. Clever little dog that dog"..!

The owner roars back;

• "Clever my feckin' arse..! That's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys"..!

[joanne chapman]

Can we post racist, sexist jokes on here.

I'm not racist or sexist but they are still funny, I don't want to offend anyone.

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Can we post racist, sexist jokes on here.

I'm not racist or sexist but they are still funny, I don't want to offend anyone.

No homophobia, racism, religeous shite or sexism Jo. It's in the SENSITIZE © Guidelines mate. Can you please read them again?

Can you also please tell me what is funny about marginalising people because of ethnic or gender differences / preferences? Community Arts means just that: Community. If I ever come across any elitist material on here, irrespective of how intellectual or highbrow it appears, I will delete it. The only instances where it might appear / occur are in larger works which address predjudice e.g; a joke, picture, song or story that attacks or takes the piss out of predjudiced or narrow-minded people or groups.

This may appear heavy-handed but if you have ever been a victim of hate crimes, you wouldn't see the joke...

Thanks...

[joanne chapman]

Can we post racist, sexist jokes on here.

I'm not racist or sexist but they are still funny, I don't want to offend anyone.

No homophobia, racism, religeous shite or sexism Jo. It's in the SENSITIZE © Guidelines mate. Can you please read them again?

Can you also please tell me what is funny about marginalising people because of ethnic or gender differences / preferences? Community Arts means just that: Community. If I ever come across any elitist material on here, irrespective of how intellectual or highbrow it appears, I will delete it. The only instances where it might appear / occur are in larger works which address predjudice e.g; a joke, picture, song or story that attacks or takes the piss out of predjudiced or narrow-minded people or groups.

This may appear heavy-handed but if you have ever been a victim of hate crimes, you wouldn't see the joke...

Thanks...

As to all of the above, yes I have lugh, unfortunately and probably for a longer period of time than most have experienced. I have visable scars (one on my face) as a constant reminder of the cowards. It taught me how to stand up for myself/family and friends and not give in to small minded idiots. I don't need to take the piss out of them, they do ok without mine or your help.

In saying that I can still laugh at jokes directed at myself, none of it changed me as a person, just made me stronger both physically and mentally.

I understand where you are coming from lugh but the jokes that I was referring to are not malicious or hurtfull just observations of different traits we all have in one way or another.

I am gonna now think of a nice clean joke so this thread continues as it is meant. You and my mum would get on so well.

[joanne chapman]

A man comes home from work and asks his wife to rustle up some eggs for him. She gets the pan out, turns on the cooker and strips naked.

He was shocked, but picks her up and gives her one on the worktop.

When they had finished he asks 'where did that come from'?

She replied 'the egg timer is broken'!

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Two vampires wake from a long sleep with a terrible thirst for fresh blood. They argue over whose round it is until finally the older vampire turns into a bat and flies off into the night.

About 3 minutes later he appears back with loads of blood dripping from his mouth.

The younger vampire asks;

"Where'd you get the blood"?

The older one points and says;

"Do you see that brick wall down there"?

The younger one nods his head and the older one says;

"Well I feckin' didn't"..!

[joanne chapman]

A man goes into a pub to meet his mate. He starts complaining about having a headache that he can't get rid of.

"I have an excellent cure for headaches" his mate replied.

"Whenever I get a headache, I go home and get my wife to give me a blowjob, that always sorts it out for me".

The man with the headache finishes his drink and leaves the pub, still in pain.

A week later he returned to the pub and the two men sat at the bar and started chatting.

"Did you try my headache cure?" said the mate.

"Yes, It done the trick for me too, nice one, thanks for the advice. Oh, btw you have a lovely nice house".

[joanne chapman]

Boy stood on a burning deck having a game of cricket

The ball went up his trouser leg and hit his middle wicket.

(I know I'm so, sad. tehe)

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

The boy stood on the burning deck. His feet were full of blisters.
The flames rose up and burned his pants. So, now he wears his sister's.

[the_leander]

A geek date:

#man intro; date; cd $home; grep; unzip; open; touch;
>gasp; expand; head; strip; finger; nice; mount; insmod;
>fsck; yes; more; putdev; yes; fsck; halt; umount; make clean;
>sleep; dump; fold; pack; exit; free

[the_leander]

Something nice I read on www.stophiphop.de (got pointed there by a comment on www.macguardians.de) is this nice story of a hacker: http://www.beast.mos-worlds.de/modules/ ... toryid=184

In case you don't speak german (just as this hacker), I've tried a little translation to english. The bad spelling was there before, but i did not consciously try to bring it in there. Notice that in germany we get DST earlier than in the US.

The story starts (I'm shortcutting here) with an asshole insulting everyone on the IRC channel. Most people there believed it was rather funny, but it got even more funny. For information: The dangerous hacker is called bitchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch. 127.0.0.1 is always the IP-adress of the computer you're currently using, any request there will return to your computer.


* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
[bitchchecker] why do you kick me
[bitchchecker] can't you discus normally
[bitchchecker] answer!
[Elch] we didn't kick you
[Elch] you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
[bitchchecker] what ping man
[bitchchecker] the timing of my pc is right
[bitchchecker] i even have dst
[bitchchecker] you banned me
[bitchchecker] amit it you son of a bitch
[HopperHunter|afk] LOL
[HopperHunter|afk] shit you're stupid, DST^^
[bitchchecker] shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
[bitchchecker] for two weaks already
[bitchchecker] when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
[Elch] You're a real computer expert
[bitchchecker] shut up i hack you
[Elch] ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
[bitchchecker] tell me your network number man then you're dead
[Elch] Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
[Elch] or maybe 127.0.0.1
[Elch] yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
[bitchchecker] in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
[Elch] Now I'm frightened
[bitchchecker] shut up you'll be gone
[bitchchecker] i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
[bitchchecker] say goodbye
[Elch] to whom?
[bitchchecker] to you man
[bitchchecker] buy buy
[Elch] I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP-Adress in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure. I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.


* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
[bitchchecker] dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
[Metanot] lol
[Elch] bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
[bitchchecker] you're so stupid man
[bitchchecker] say buy buy
[Metanot] ah, fuck off
[bitchchecker] buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve... Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.


* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
[bitchchecker] elch you son of a bitch
[Metanot] bitchchecker how old are you?
[Elch] What's up bitchchecker?
[bitchchecker] you have a frie wal
[bitchchecker] fire wall
[Elch] maybe, i don't know
[bitchchecker] i'm 26
[Metanot] such behaviour with 26?
[Elch] how did you find out that I have a firewall?
[Metanot] tststs this is not very nice missy
[bitchchecker] because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
[bitchchecker] be a man turn that shit off
[Elch] cool, didn't know this was possible.
[bitchchecker] thn my virus destroys your pc man
[Metanot] are you hacking yourselves?
[Elch] yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
[Metanot] he bitchchecker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
[bitchchecker] yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
[Metanot] what firewall do you have?
[bitchchecker] like a girl
[Metanot] firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
[He] Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
[bitchchecker] turn the firewall off then i send you a virus fucker
[Elch] Noo
[Metanot] he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
[bitchchecker] you're afraid
[bitchchecker] i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
[bitchchecker] elch turn off your shit wall!
[Metanot] i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
[bitchchecker] shut up
[Metanot] lol
[bitchchecker] my grandma surfs with fire wall
[bitchchecker] and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall


He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.


[Elch] bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
[Metanot] bitchhacker can't hack
[Black[TdV]] nice play on words ^^
[bitchchecker] wort man
[Elch] bitchchecker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
[Metanot] how often again he is no hacker
[bitchchecker] man do you want a virus
[bitchchecker] tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
[Metanot] lol ne let it be i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
[Elch] 127.0.0.1
[Elch] it's easy
[bitchchecker] lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
[bitchchecker] and are the first files being deleted
[Elch] mom...
[Elch] i'll take a look


In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?


[bitchchecker] don't need to rescue you can't son of a bitch
[Elch] that's bad
[bitchchecker] elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
[Elch] yes, there's nothing i can do about it
[bitchchecker] and in 20 seconds f: is gone


Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.


[bitchchecker] tupac rules
[bitchchecker] elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too


Drive EConfused Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

Or isn't it happening on my computer?


[bitchchecker] and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
[He] why doesn't meta say anything
[Elch] he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
[Black[TdV]] ^^
[bitchchecker] your d: is gone
[He] go on BITCH


The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! but how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.


[bitchchecker] elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
[bitchchecker] i'm already at c: 30 percent


Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?


* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "bitchchecker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout". We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.