SENSITIZE ©

I wrote this poem some years ago but listening to High Velocity (very muck likning) I rembered it and post it here.

the same as high velocity it was real times that made me write it
please help with the englisg if anyone wants to . It will make it more good hopefully

By the shipyard

The Children threw potatos that had hardened overnight
Innocent, yet could cause a nasty hurt
with his huge moustache and flared nostrils the policeman gave the
signal, his breath clouding the still night..
Fire, live rounds...aim for the legs

Pops and crackles like a childrens fire work set
then, when the smoke cleared, an horrific sight

Anuska, my childhood friend, lying in a pool of red jelly
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.
the winter of 86 changed me forever
I never ate meat again, and potatoes make me sad.....

This poem is so sad sergie, especially as its written from real events.

Although english is my first language I do have problems with some words (usually very simple words). The best way for you to learn is to keep writing. The way we spell things just don't look right to me sometimes. I never got any help with spelling at school because no-one noticed that I had any problems in this area. Saying all that I am now doing a Degree with hons so nothing is impossible.

You are more than welcome to send any posts to me by private message and I could point out any spelling mistakes before you post it onto the forum. Or if there are any words you are not sure about, then let me know. Hopefully you will overcome this minor problem soon.

Sergi the snail wrote:I wrote this poem some years ago but listening to High Velocity (very muck likning) I rembered it and post it here.

the same as high velocity it was real times that made me write it
please help with the englisg if anyone wants to . It will make it more good hopefully

By the shipyard

The Children threw potatos that had hardened overnight
Innocent, yet could cause a nasty hurt
with his huge moustache and flared nostrils the policeman gave the
signal, his breath clouding the still night..
Fire, live rounds...aim for the legs

Pops and crackles like a childrens fire work set
then, when the smoke cleared, an horrific sight

Anuska, my childhood friend, lying in a pool of red jelly
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.
the winter of 86 changed me forever
I never ate meat again, and potatoes make me sad.....

Very effective piece Sergi. Well delivered. I am curious though. Have you translated it directly from Polish? If so, some of the translation is slightly weak. I don't mean to be critical. Like I said, it's an effective poem. I do however believe that with a few tiny adjustments, this would be a profoundly impacting work and could lend itself very well to film, just like High Velocity...

Great introduction to you and your work. Thanks for sharing it Sergi

Sergi the snail wrote:
By the shipyard...

The Children threw potatos that had hardened overnight
Innocent, yet could cause a nasty hurt
with his huge moustache and flared nostrils the policeman gave the
signal, his breath clouding the still night..
Fire, live rounds...aim for the legs

Pops and crackles like a childrens fire work set
then, when the smoke cleared, an horrific sight

Anuska, my childhood friend, lying in a pool of red jelly
with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.
the winter of 86 changed me forever
I never ate meat again, and potatoes make me sad.....

_______________


How about:-

• By the shipyard
  
  The Children threw potatoes that had hardened overnight.
  An innocent activity.
  None of them aware of how much they could hurt.
  
  With his huge moustache and flared nostrils
  the policeman gave a signal.
  His breath clouding in the cold of night:
  "Fire! Live rounds!
  Aim for the legs"..!
  
  Then;
  
  the; 'pop' and 'crackle',
  like a firework display.
  'Death's chill', coughing
  smoke that slowly cleared
  over my friend, Anuska.
  
  A pool of jellied red congealed around
  cold-hardened potatoes.
  The garnish revealed something like
  'a cannibal's dinner'.
  
  1986 changed me forever.
  
  Potatoes sadden me
  and I will not eat meat.
  Ever...

______________

Hi Sergi. Sorry if it looks as though I have destroyed your poem. That is not my intention. What I have done is worked more with imagery and tense. All but the last four lines are in past tense to reveal a time-line, while the last four lines bring the reader up to the present day and where the writer is at now, by consequence e.g. melancholy and vegetarian.

I will not take credit for this version unless you say I can. I respect that this is a variation on your work and that you may choose to keep or do away with it.

I enjoyed the challenge of working with this though...

Cheers...

Yes Lugh that sounds much better and yes it was translated. rather poorly from Polish

I like you version very much only the line

The garnish revealed something like
'a cannibal's dinner'.

dosent work for me as my line

with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.

the word garnish makes more impact.

This is wonderful though Poets in different toungs helping each others work
I very much like what is haappening

Sergi the snail wrote:Yes Lugh that sounds much better and yes it was translated. rather poorly from Polish

I like you version very much only the line

The garnish revealed something like
'a cannibal's dinner'.

dosent work for me as my line

with potatos garnishing her head
like a cannibals dinner.

the word garnish makes more impact.

This is wonderful though Poets in different toungs helping each others work
I very much like what is haappening

Perhaps over time, this piece will develop even more. Seems to be the nature of art. That would be cool and organic