My Avatar......

[spacecadet]

It's not the only thing.......

[Lyudmilla Putin]

Vladimir? Here you are!

Alvays I find you playink vith your internet friends vhen you should be at home eating your Orkha. I make it like your babooshka just how you like. Vhy do you not kome home?

Alvays you make excuses. "Chechnya" this. "Chechnya" that. Alvays vith the "Chechnya". If you love Chechnya so much vhy don't you make vith the marriage vith Chechnya!

Now Kome home or it's no Kommissar and the Milk Maid for you tonight.

[Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir? Here you are!

Alvays I find you playink vith your internet friends vhen you should be at home eating your Orkha. I make it like your babooshka just how you like. Vhy do you not kome home?

Alvays you make excuses. "Chechnya" this. "Chechnya" that. Alvays vith the "Chechnya". If you love Chechnya so much vhy don't you make vith the marriage vith Chechnya!

Now Kome home or it's no Kommissar and the Milk Maid for you tonight.

Your effort to blackmail me vith no Kommissar and the Milk Maid vill no longer vork Lyudmilla. I am here in the Vest to live my life as free gay man vrom now on. Must you alvays follow me around the internet vith your nagging? Do you not see the damage you are doing to vital negotiations for vorld peace? Vhy I can not have privacy to vork?

Although it pains me to admit, my vife poisoned the spy vith her Orkha. It is another reason vhy I am here seeking asylum. She can not cook!

Please Sensitize. Release me vrom this mad voman and I vill vithdraw my troops vrom Chechnya.

[Mike Daniels]

I used to have a Vest - David stole it when he took the Underground. I thought it might have been to remind him of home, but thinking about it, he probably ate it en route.

Milk Maid? Milk Maid? - Is that the un-pc version of the Milky Bar Kid? Is it the name of some dratted new scheme to demarginalise lactose? Is it the alternative to Hand Made?

I heard that the marmites have a new head of secret police - a certain Mr Felix Dzerzhinsky - does the name sound familiar? Do you remember his statue - on Lubyanka Square? Do you remember your meetings on the third floor of 'That' building on 'That' square?

Vest - milk - Kommisar Dzerzhinsky - Earl - Vlad - it's beginning to sound all too familiar, as if history repeats itself time and again.

[spacecadet]

....as if history repeats itself time and again.

Lugh, you're totally forgetting everything you know about relativity.

Oh dear. I've reentered the timeline a week too late. I'll have to back a few days and post something about relativity. This is all too complicated. When are we? Have the Putin posts started yet?

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

I used to have a Vest - David stole it when he took the Underground. I thought it might have been to remind him of home, but thinking about it, he probably ate it en route.

Christ Almighty Mike. He nicked your vest..? The fecker swiped my thermal socks too. He's clearly expecting a nuclear winter. These are grave times indeed. Be bigger than God and order more icy weather for the Underground immediately...

Milk Maid? Milk Maid? - Is that the un-pc version of the Milky Bar Kid? Is it the name of some dratted new scheme to demarginalise lactose? Is it the alternative to Hand Made?

None of the above dude. Milk Maid is a secret code that only Dave understands. He frequently uses this code to leave a trail of utter confusion for anyone following him around the Underground. Forensics have been more than a little baffled for years. The Putin's are still arguing as I type...

And that's another thing. His assumption that he can liberate humanity by hijacking the District Line is just so completely insane it might work.

I heard that the marmites have a new head of secret police - a certain Mr Felix Dzerzhinsky - does the name sound familiar?

It does indeed albeit slightly changed. Apparently felix means 'happy'. An Argentinian writer friend of mine pointed this out once. Interesting fact for you Mike. That film I plugged yesterday - Land Of The Blind - Donald Sutherland's character (Thorne) is a 60 something, long white haired man (playwrite) who is incarcerated for speaking out against the State and throughout the first 45 minutes he claims to be opposed to censorship. Things change. All the while I was watching it, I couldn't shake the feeling that what the world is told about Felix may have been a source of inspiration. However, it's not a truth in reality. The character; Thorne, eventually gets taught a very severe lesson which removes more than happiness, nuff said ...

Do you remember his statue - on Lubyanka Square? Do you remember your meetings on the third floor of 'That' building on 'That' square?

Erm..? We haven't written that bit yet Mike. Shssssh..! You're giving the plot away ...

Vest - milk - Kommisar Dzerzhinsky - Earl - Vlad - it's beginning to sound all too familiar, as if history repeats itself time and again.

Yes, but it's quantum and there are always slight variations. For instance: Dave (who I've quoted below) was given a small budget to make the 4th installment of the classic Michael J. Fox / Christopher Lloyd time-travelling capers but he spent it on carpets for the Underground and 2LB of sausages. The sausages were off by the way (this is important). He moaned and complained for days on end and then 'EUREKA'. He came up with a plan. He returned the sausages to the place where he bought them. Filmed the entire encounter and called it 'Back To The Butchers'. Clever bloody marmoset..!

....as if history repeats itself time and again.

Doesn't it?

Lugh, you're totally forgetting everything you know about relativity.

Yes, but everytime I make a reference to Einstein or his theories on here I get 2 cheese crackers and fresh water. Please don't censor my only bit of joy in this increasingly bleak landscape...

Oh dear. I've reentered the timeline a week too late. I'll have to back a few days and post something about relativity. This is all too complicated. When are we? Have the Putin posts started yet?

It's Thursday, 29th November 2006. Around lunchtime. The Putins showed up the other night. That in itself is odd because they weren't scheduled to do so until the Blairs were arrested for pretending a lump of plutonium on a lead was their dog and Bush got the Oscar for his voiceover roles in; IRAQ - THE MIDDLE EAST VIRTUAL REALITY WARFARE games (parts one and two).

Something is amiss. I get the feeling that crooked fecker Jan from the pretend writer's forum, might be putting more spanners in the works. Dock her a week's pay and make her antics public...

[Vladimir Putin]

I vish to make id clear that I had nothing to do vith this.

[Mike Daniels]

So, if Dave spent the money for the fourth installment of back to the future on carpet for underground, was he the creator of Velvet Underground featuring Nico? Didn't they have a big hit with Venus in Marmite?

And have you seen a brai anywhere - it might be mine.

Mike

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

So, if Dave spent the money for the fourth installment of back to the future on carpet for underground, was he the creator of Velvet Underground featuring Nico? Didn't they have a big hit with Venus in Marmite?

Dave gets about a bit, don't he?

You are of course 85% right about the carpet being made of velvet. The song was Venus In Furs though. At the time when I first heard about it I thought it was a sick joke, but then I saw Dave walking down Commercial Road with a roll of purple velvet slung over his shoulder and 5 groupies swooning around him. Nico was one of them. Outrageous and shocking carry on Mike.

They apparently slipped in through Liverpool Street station, cut across the tracks and roughly 4 hours later, this was all that could be heard pumping up through the cracks in the pavement for miles in all directions. Down at Whitechapel; London Hospital started to crumble and the market stalls across from it closed early. Seems Dave and the groupies had the entire crew of Later With Jools Holland, John Cale and his band and a medium sized audience wrapped up in all that velvet. I blame poor security for this. Mind you, who wouldn't ..?

And have you seen a brai anywhere - it might be mine.

Yes. Fergus O'Mally the Co. Kildare vet was wearing it on Tuesday morning but, I didn't tell you. Ok..?

Footnote: Venus In Marmite was a follow up song for the Velvets. It didn't chart but was used in a few adverts. The man who shot the video, literally shot the video. He cracked one hot day back in 1986 while living hand-to-mouth at a trailer park in Florida. He shot the TV, fridge, microwave and then his wife. He's due out in 2014 under the early release program although there are people all over the world who think he should remain locked away for good.

Hyperlink in this message is to Google / YouTube:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyKJ9Q0Hbog

[spacecadet]

Shiny, shiny, shiny jar of marmite
yellow screwtop, glass so dark
comes on toast, your servant spreads it lightly
eat dear mistress, good for your heart.

[spacecadet]

Brown light, brown light goin' messin' up my jar
Brown light, and don't you know its gonna spread so far
Brown lumps, aww brown lumps it trickle down to my toast
Brown light, Ooo have mercy brown light big goodness boast

Oooooo, Brown Light.....
Oooooo, Brown lumps....

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Shiny, shiny, shiny jar of marmite
yellow screwtop, glass so dark
comes on toast, your servant spreads it lightly
eat dear mistress, good for your heart.

Brown light, brown light goin' messin' up my jar
Brown light, and don't you know its gonna spread so far
Brown lumps, aww brown lumps it trickle down to my toast
Brown light, Ooo have mercy brown light big goodness boast

Oooooo, Brown Light.....
Oooooo, Brown lumps....

Vegetarians. Oh deary, deary.
Have smelled like carrots for a thousand years.
A thousand jars of Marmite on their turnips
makes an awful racket from their arse.

( Mike or Delph's turn now )

[the_leander]

Vegitarians eh? God's despised people!

Thankyou Deacon for that one

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Vegitarians eh? God's despised people!

Thankyou Deacon for that one

Deacon does come out with some absolute whoppers at times. "Vegetarians - God's Despised People" being one of them.

Hilarious stuff ...

[Mike Daniels]

I knew a vegetarian once - later she turned out to be my daughter...