Snake (a childhood image, recreated decades afterwards)

[Salvador Oria]

SNAKE...


I well recall my first encounter.
This reptile was different
As I should think every one is,
When meeting serpents, for example
D.H. Lawrence's vis á vis Adam and Eve's
Or if one compares with Burnside's these.


Seven year old, a life in the farm,
Moving around on horseback, often on foot,
A mind wide open to Nature's daily miracles
And at my age I had all that free time.
The Paradise's snake had me so impressed
In the lessons of Sunday School
That when I saw the green whip flash
Scurrying, hiding within the tall weeds
I felt an atavic need to escape or drive
Against being captured by its spell,
But I stopped dead just where I was
Unable to move at all in all that grass.


Curiosity soon overcame both drive and need
A voice in my ear whispered "hear,
This one is not the kind to fear..."
(By sheer coincidence,
The same excuses given to Eve).
I followed cheerfully the trail
Carefully looking where I saw it disappear.
And after only a few paces away
There she was ... in the robe of a queen,
Its glorious cape of shiny scales
Challenging even the sun's rays
Knit in royal fashion of gold and green
Clear emeralds brought out
From Africa's darkest, deepest pits.


I stood there, still.
As still as she was,
Her eyes transfixing mine
Only her forked scanner tongue
Vibrated showing she was at all alive.
We stared at each other intensely
For the longest seconds in that hour.
And she learned or knew immediately
I was not after her slippery life,
Lowering her head as their curse commands,
Moved on slowly, shyly away.
I saw her perfect curves
Bending to an fro
Pushing her forward alternatively...


That day I learned why snakes were chosen
To be accomplices of the Devil's skills:
The moment you see them you may feel frozen,
But nothing compares to this hellish thrill.



© Salvador Oria 2003-2006

Note: Emeralds occur both in S. America and in Africa.
I live in South America, hence Africa is exotic to me.
It is a fact - however - that the finest stones come from
S.America´s mines.'

[spacecadet]

My hand holds the Queen of Treasures
more life than a gushing fountain
horse-tailed like Demantoid
from the farthest Ural mountain
See the depth of it’s vervdant jardin
greenest in it’s truest tone
as beautiful as Monet’s Garden
the loveliest Columbian stone.

Emeralds rock dude. Nicer than the bluest clearest sapphires and much better than common as dirt diamonds. And I agree... The South American stones are much nicer. P.S. Sorry about the crap pome. I know more about rocks than I do words unfortunately.

Note - edit from "Alexandrite" to "Demantoid". I knew there was a problem with this technically, but I've just realised that the Ural mountain Demantoids are another wonderfully green gemstone - one of my favourites, but a paler more lemony colour than emeralds - more like a peridot. The Ural stones have wonderful horsetail inclusions which make them more valuable than a perfect African or Indian stone.

FYI - Emeralds with inclusions are highly prized - assuming the inclusions are of the nice variety - and are often refered to using the French "jardin".
When I worked in the industry I always used to say "show me beautifully clear emerald and I'll show you a fake".

[Salvador Oria]

If you're a rock lover Dave you should move to Gibraltar or rent an empty jail in Alcatraz, meanwhile I have another gemstone for you here:

Seek for the unseen

The boulders lie
Almost unseen
Along the tideline
Of the river Uruguay;
So many others are around
That invisibility is granted
By the number.

People swarm
In huge multitudes;
All colours and forms
Hide the one
You may be looking for...

And the key
To the house of magnificence
Is not for everyone to be aware of,
As the rugged surface
Invites no hand to touch
Or eyes to lay upon.

Fabrics and circumstances,
Different ways
Of appealing to the senses
Disguise cleverly
What has to be disguised.

Sands have covered the round form
With centuries of cold
And the key to its womb
Will still be hidden...

Commuting gives the impression
Of being part of a shoal...

Not for the untrained
Nor for the unlovingly moved,
Awareness is required
To reap from the ugly
The splendid heart,
The purple violet light
Of amethysts.


© Salvador Oria 25-3-98/2004/2006

[the_leander]

Nice work both of you!

[spacecadet]

Argie knocked my teeth out with the Amethyst pome. I have no reply worthy.

Hmmmm. Now what rhymes with opal?

[Catherine Edmunds]

Constantinople.

I will return to these poems later today when I have more time; but for now, WOW! will probably suffice.

[spacecadet]

Constantinople.

That's a very long word. How do you spell it?

[Catherine Edmunds]

I don't know; don't ask hard questions.

[spacecadet]

I don't know; don't ask hard questions.

The answer to the question is "i" and "t".

It's been a while since you were on a playground....

[Catherine Edmunds]

Grrrr

(can't believe I missed that one)

[Catherine Edmunds]

Right. Back to the serious stuff.

Argie, thank you so much for posting the snake poem. I've a feeling I'm not going to be able to do much of a critique, as it's so good exactly as it is, but here goes anyway; a few comments and observations if nothing else.

The one technical thing I would say is ditch the capitals. They're archaic and intrusive. Use them for starts of sentences and proper nouns if you're really attached to them, but otherwise, let them go; and I certainly wouldn't do that mechanical automatic capitalisation of every line. If it's happening because Word is doing it for you, then I suggest you go into options and tell it to stop.

There's an odd ambiguity in the first stanza. Did you mean every reptile is different? That's what I expected, but then because of the way the sentence continues, it turns itself around to suggest that it's not the reptile, but every person who comes across one, that is different. The ending of the stanza goes back to the original meaning. This has happened because of the way you've used the grammar, and may well not be intentional, but I rather like the ambiguity so would keep it.

DH Lawrence was the best writer of animal poems. Ever. It's a brave poet who quotes him in an animal poem... but why not. I don't know the Burnside reference, I'm afraid, but am assuming his is a totally different take on snakes again.

It's a good introductory stanza. Some poems are best if you launch straight into the 'action', but I like the way we have this slightly whimsical intro.

Second stanza, you either need 'A seven year old' or 'Seven years old' to be grammatical in the opening. I prefer the latter. Fourth line is very wordy, but you've got a wordy style, so fair enough. I like the conversational tone generally; so if this were my poem I'd be going snip, snip, snip by this point, but as it's yours, with a quite different style, I'll hold fire.

The Sunday school reference is good; linking back to Adam and Eve in the first stanza. Good storytelling here. The pacing is good. My only criticism would be the last line, with its repetition of 'all'. I'd try to find a different wording there.

Third stanza, 'hear' gives you a nice rhyme, but 'listen' is the word you really need in the context. I'd wave goodbye to the rhyme, and use 'listen' instead. The aside about Eve made me smile. Nice touch.
One too many adverbs in the next couple of lines; 'cheefully' and 'carefully'. I'd ditch one of them (probably 'cheerfully') and to keep the sense in that line, maybe do something like 'I followed the trail with enthusiasm'.

You refer to the snake as 'she' but then 'it' in the next line. Be consistent. Needs to be 'Her glorious cape... etc' The regal imagery is good.

Fourth stanza. 'at all alive' is a bit back to front. I'd have put 'alive at all'. Now, if you've stared at her for these long, long seconds, it seems odd for you then to state that she knew 'immediately' that you were not after her life. Was it immediately? Or after the long seconds? I'd do a slight re-wording there. Even simply replace 'immediately' with 'then'.

Typo towards the end. 'to and fro', not 'to an fro'. Last line, 'alternately' would make more sense than 'alternatively'.

Last stanza you've weakened the sense slightly for the sake of a rhyme. You can be an accomplice of a person, not a skill; not really. So it should be 'To be accomplices of the Devil:' but then of course you lose your rhyme with 'thrill'. As there hasn't been too much emphasis on rhyme up to this point, I would seriously consider dropping 'skills'.

This is a really good poem. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, Argie. I'll take a peek at the other stuff you've written in the last day or two when I can; but dinner calls now (most of today seems to have been taken up with solving one crisis after another; including finding myself locked in the bathroom with no escape, which required a small amount of demolition to remedy).

Delph

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

I don't want to detract from Delph's excellent critique here, but have to say that your poem is magnificent Argie ...

Great work mate...

[Salvador Oria]

supple?

[Salvador Oria]

Only today and under very special stress I read your critic Delph for which I heartily thank you. I have not much time left but I've copied it down to check it later against my text and revert. I use capitals even knowing they're obtrusive (MS Word I've predetermined not to do it for me). Thank you once again. I also took note of your sites and will surf them soon. Other pending issues I wrote down below:

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supple, does not rhyme with Constantinople and opal? Not exactly but it might work...

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Social mobility is 'le vrai' key provided you have friends up there to invite you to their posh parties. There you'll meet others and keep on the move up if, only if, you are 'special'. Victorian standards are still - albeit subconsciously - around: there's nothing like a smart young woman who can play the piano, recite poems and stories, speak foreign tongues, knit small carpets, sing, paint and dance without spoiling her hairdo or getting a shining nose.

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Sal