The Crafty Fecker - Possible Storyline Ideas From Members...

[spacecadet]

Forgot to mention....

Mr and Mrs Mendez are none too happy about this. It was their weed shipment used by Gomez to pay the PayPal bill for the Fecker and crew.

[spacecadet]

Lugh.....

I can spout this shite non stop until you tell me otherwise. I know this one is a little psychodelic but the next episode is back to normality.

Did you know the field behind the Fecker is used by a youth football team made up of local 11 year old ASBO recipients? Shall I go on?

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Lugh.....

I can spout this shite non stop until you tell me otherwise. I know this one is a little psychodelic but the next episode is back to normality.

Did you know the field behind the Fecker is used by a youth football team made up of local 11 year old ASBO recipients? Shall I go on?

You're doing brilliantly Dave mate. Keep on keepin' on dude

All of this is excellent source material for potential scenes that we'll write. Just one niggly-naggly doubt though. Are you sure those footballers are 11 year old ASBO recipients? One of them looks distinctly like Suzi's triple chin...

[spacecadet]

Yup. The whole team is run by a Fagan type character who dies in a tragic shopping accident. The team needs a manager and Lugh and Gomez have to find a project to do their community service orders with (they get 200 hours each for throwing bricks).

They find that the tearaways are fencing most of the stolen goods in Ireland and end up getting involved while trying to reabilitate them.

Next up is a grudge match between ASBO FC and the local police kids team called The V8 Rovers. The police team is managed by the bastard local bent copper who fitted them up for the brick related crime. Unknown to Lugh and Gomez the ASBO kids plan to use the match as cover for their greatest ever criminal exploit.

Full plot tomorrow when I've got a minute or two.......

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Yup. The whole team is run by a Fagan type character who dies in a tragic shopping accident.

Ahhh... I heard about that. Wasn't it one of the headlines in The Crafty Fecker Gazette about 3 weeks from now? You are aware of this publication Dave, aren't you? It's a surreal newspaper for immortals and people so 'off-their-tits' on chemicals they might as well be dead... Something about him losing the plot and diving into an oven at the bakery in Tesco... Mad bastard. He hasn't worked out that the entire cast of The Crafty Fecker environment are ghosts and that people dying and turning up there is quite the norm.

The team needs a manager and Lugh and Gomez have to find a project to do their community service orders with (they get 200 hours each for throwing bricks).

I think you'll find it's just Gomez who has to do community service. I was punished, and very severely I might add, by being thrown to the wolves at dome2. That place was a nightmare by the way. It was run by a born-again-hypocrite with a penchant for fixing things that aren't broken. Weird I tells ya. Weird ...

They find that the tearaways are fencing most of the stolen goods in Ireland and end up getting involved while trying to reabilitate them.

Yes, but what you're forgetting to mention is that they were doing this literally and built a fence around Ireland made out of stolen stereos, tv's, microwaves and pc's. The only involvement (for want of a better word) by Gomez and Lugh was supergluing the whole lot together and then coating it with thick varnish that kept the seagulls both amused and stuck...

Next up is a grudge match between ASBO FC and the local police kids team called The V8 Rovers. The police team is managed by the bastard local bent copper who fitted them up for the brick related crime.

Oh yes, I recall it all with clarity. Sergeant D. Osbourne. Shifty character him. I've heard it was his prints on all those bricks but he 'done-a-deal' with the beak (judge), made a donation to the upkeep of the ASBO FC grounds and smiled smugly throughout the trial. Who would dare suspect him?

As for ASBO FC. Their day is coming. I've paid 3000 penguins to turn up on the day of the match wearing balaclavas and combat gear. Their instructions are simple: Spit fish at the team as they play and sing;

"You'll Never Walk Again" in intimidating tones... Should be a hoot ...

Unknown to Lugh and Gomez the ASBO kids plan to use the match as cover for their greatest ever criminal exploit.

Hmmmm? I reckon the penguins will sort it out before they get a chance Dave. They'll do anything for a photograph of an iceberg or a tin of sardines...

Full plot tomorrow when I've got a minute or two.......

Now you're just showing off..! It takes me 5 minutes to write the scenes for The Crafty Fecker, on a matchbox in green ink...

[spacecadet]

Your close Lugh.... The head coppers name is Inspector Clint Winchester who talks a bit like an evil version of James Mason.

(btw, Inspector Winchester is a real copper - I changed his first name to protect the innnocent but just in case he picks this up from Google I should point out that he's a fine individual and not in the least bit evil or James Mason-like)

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Just as long as you didn't change his first name to; A. Cowboy's. Nicknames like that can stick... I knew a Clint once. Well, a Clinty. Funny woman. Could write comedy like no-one's business and today I read a damn fine poem by her called; FUTILE BATHING.

Could there be a connection Dave?

[spacecadet]

Hmmmm. Inspector Clint Winchester spouting evil poetry in a James Mason voice? I can hear him now.

[Salvador Oria]

Hi ya there, read all your postings today and it seems that you've taken back the wheels on the road. This Spacefeckincadet's a goodun and I never expected to see him here.... Hi Dave, howdy man? How d'ya feel here surrounded by all these deranged mammals? Kate's somewhere around, she wrote a few lines a fortnight ago telling she's up to her... but will contact again. I'm also up to mine and that's why you're favoured by not seeing me more often. You're welcome... no, nothing to thank for. Keep on the imaginative side and don't forget that a script necessarily needs a beginning, something in between and a final scene, although postmods all put the end first...the horse before the cart as my grandma would have said if she were still breathing and warmer than she's now after 10 years dead. Wanna vibe? Gotta fresh shipment from the formah american colonies called Amerika or something, with solar batteries that recharge while your body tans... Good uhh?.... I'm out fer now pals...unfortunately have to (believe it or not) work. But next Monday ere's a holiday then we'll have 3 feckin days in a row... to release all our demons into some girls' wet ....huh...eer... can't remember the name but can find the place easily..., ya bet!

[Salvador Oria]

URGENT URGENT forgot to remind you 1) that Clint's another alias of our dear friend April, Kate, Cowgirl &c 2) I was an able translator into Spanish (my mother's tongue btw) of your despicable English ... ciao

[spacecadet]

Don't say that Inspector Winchester is a girl or he'll be taking you round the back for a blanket party!

Between me and you, Gomez can't actually speak Spanish. He just speaks Eeengleesh with the same accent that Mexican peasants use on old 1950's Hollywood films.

"Badges? Wee don' neeeed no steenkeen' badges!"

[spacecadet]

OK, here's my "Crafty Fecker" sestina. It's absolute sh*te as poetry or as a "Fecker" story but I was only having a laugh..... or at least it started as a laugh.... it ended as a head hurting pile of dog's dung.......


One night in the Fecker our Michael and Lugh
Recounted the tale of the Football Youth team
ran by themselves out the back, in the field.
At behest of the law, they worked in youth football
paying for crimes. The boss was our Michael,
and with Lugh as the trainer. They will win the league

Their first opponent when climbing the league
was run by the copper who fitted up Lugh.
This angered our heroes, both Lugh and Michael
and as knuckles turned white Lugh cried to his team
"Win this for me and score with the football.
Cripple these gobsh*tes, let 'em limp from the field!"

The youths did up boots and then took to the field
looking the shabbiest group in the league.
“We’ve no chance of winning this game of football”
despondant he sighed then he looked at our Lugh.
"This is no good Lugh, just look at this team!
Let’s throw in the towel.” said our man Michael.

“The kids have a plan.” said Lugh to Michael,
“While all of the coppers are watching this field,
the kids we have sent off for crippling their team
have other things in mind than winning the league.”
“They’re not in the locker room changing.” said Lugh
“a distraction this is, not a real game of football.”

So out on the pitch in this sham game of football
as the kids were sent off, they all winked at Michael.
“The giste of the plan,” explained our man Lugh
“is to rob the police station while they’re here on the field.
The kids do not care about this football league,
but evidence will go missing while the police watch their team.

The game went on with a much depleted team
as the evidence locker was emptied. The football
game ended, as did the chances of topping the league.
“Now we’ll appeal our case, and I’ll tell you this, Michael,
without the evidence we’ll win on that field.
We’ll show those bent coppers!” laughed Lugh.

So the plan hatched by Lugh and his youth team
kept the pigs on the field watching the football,
proving him and our Michael are top of their league

[Catherine Edmunds]

Ha! Yes. Writing sestinas. Seems like a good idea at the time, doesn't it...

You have my absolute unbounded admiration for this one, Dave. Okay, it won't make you poet laureate, but bloody hell... you sustained it, made it the form work, told a story.

Great stuff.

[the_leander]

Yikes, that is one seriously contrived artform.

Well played spacecadet for getting through it - I can well see why you got your headache for doing so!

[spacecadet]

If I've discovered one thing it is that Sestinas are for people who live alone with cats.