The Crafty Fecker - Possible Storyline Ideas From Members...

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

• The Crafty Fecker - Possible storyline ideas from members...

Please post your ideas for the storyline of The Crafty Fecker into replies on this thread.

Thanks folks

[Salvador Oria]

Hi Admin,
The Italian gadget vendor - that's me - have just replied Aunt Sensi on the lines of a previous experience. Nothing serious: once burnt with boling milk one runs away from cows... Should there be a corner duly hidden from nuns' eyes and children we might rebuild something of the kind, in softened lines. I've managed to copy my texts back from the original Electro-Bar and I even think that I've sent copies to you. We need of course a good set of bastards to do this, Sherlocks' and the Pope experiences &c. Unfortunately Ive got only a few of those 'cause the threads were erased before I had time to pick anything, but perhaps someone might have a full copy of the whole bleeding place. One of the bright naughty ones is Kate but -as you've seen - I cannot contact her. There's a moderator here that might love to come into the picture but, is this a part to be played by a moderator?
Fun, fun, fun, that's what I want! There's time for writing as well (is there?)
lol
Argie aka Sal

[spacecadet]

Hmmmmm....

I feel that some new blood is in town and looking for a boozer to call their own.

Firstly there is "Slightly more useful" Pete (just called "Slightly" by his mates) a back street mechanic, used car salesman and part time Mad Scientist.

Secondly, Slightly's old mate Gomez Y Gomez, a central American pilot and dirty picture salesman with his own ex-WWII Dakota transport plane (complete with several dozen crated chickens).

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Hmmmmm....

I feel that some new blood is in town and looking for a boozer to call their own.

Firstly there is "Slightly more useful" Pete (just called "Slightly" by his mates) a back street mechanic, used car salesman and part time Mad Scientist.

Secondly, Slightly's old mate Gomez Y Gomez, a central American pilot and dirty picture salesman with his own ex-WWII Dakota transport plane (complete with several dozen crated chickens).

Sounds good to me Slightly...

Are you gonna play the part?

Too Late...!

You've Passed The Audition..!

You're It..!

HA..!

P.S. You'll have to buy your own costumes and keep all bus tickets... I'll reveal why later ...

[spacecadet]

Hmmmmmm. Curiouser and curiouser.

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Blue Peter. It's coming back and they want everyone to collect their bus tickets for a whole year (that's these things). Then count up the amount of miles they have travelled by this form of public transport, in a year. Multiply that figure by 135. Add 17 then subtract 12%. If everyone joins in by phoning the White House at midday on August 6th, 2007 and yelling their answer at the telephonists on duty that day (try to sound frantic). David Copperfield will make George W. Bush disappear back up his own ass.

Utter codswallop... The BBC wouldn't dare put that show back on the air. Would they?

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Hmmmmm....

I feel that some new blood is in town and looking for a boozer to call their own.

Firstly there is "Slightly more useful" Pete (just called "Slightly" by his mates) a back street mechanic, used car salesman and part time Mad Scientist.

Secondly, Slightly's old mate Gomez Y Gomez, a central American pilot and dirty picture salesman with his own ex-WWII Dakota transport plane (complete with several dozen crated chickens).

How's this for starters?

Check out SCENE 5 on THE CRAFTY FECKER...

You'll need to scroll down the page mate, but Slightly and Gomez Y Gomez have been introduced as cast members now ...

Cheers for your input on this Dave...

[spacecadet]

Yay! That's exactly the sort of stuff Slightly does. One minute he's powering the internet, the next he's building a time machine inside something inappropriate. In between inventions he services Toyotas.

[spacecadet]

Gomez is a dirtball who would rent his sister out for bubblegum cards. He dresses in an old string vest complete with shoulder holstered pistol, armband and cigar. If you want to buy something then he's got it - only with dirty pictures painted on the side.

He has no morals at all having lost them in a motorcycle accident in El Salvador (he crashed his old Triumph - nicknamed "The Meaty One" - while travelling around South America with his pet tortoise called "Ernest").

He is also a philosophical genius but nobody ever notices.

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Yay! That's exactly the sort of stuff Slightly does. One minute he's powering the internet, the next he's building a time machine inside something inappropriate. In between inventions he services Toyotas.

Is he a smoking or non-smoking mad inventor? He sounds like he puffs on the occasional recreational fag , but I may be wrong. Then again, he's sourced The Crafty Fecker as his new local, so chances are he is a toker...

Gomez is a dirtball who would rent his sister out for bubblegum cards.

Ahhh... This is an interesting character then. Thing I need to know is this though. Does he speak fluent English? T'iz difficult sometimes when I'm writing this environment to maintain the accent thing, but it is essential to it for the comedic qualities I'm looking to achieve.

Maybe Gomez is a second generation Latin American who grew up in the UK. Hang on. I just worked summit out. Are you gonna be writing the dialogue for these two characters, or am I?

It would be cool if you were to do so. Really give it a collaborative art's feel, but I also realise you're pretty busy with your cyber pigeon fancying and online cider conventions...

He dresses in an old string vest complete with shoulder holstered pistol, armband and cigar. If you want to buy something then he's got it - only with dirty pictures painted on the side.

Nice Characterisation I mean lol. Also bloody handy because I can write him into things as the pilot that flies Mr & Mrs. Mendez to Columbia for the fine weed they supply. That could be really workable.

He has no morals at all having lost them in a motorcycle accident in El Salvador (he crashed his old Triumph - nicknamed "The Meaty One" - while travelling around South America with his pet tortoise called "Ernest").

Poor Ernest. The unluckiest tortoise in cyberspace. I could elaborate and talk about that awful situation in Peru with the army, the petrol bombs and the ice cream vendor, but is there any point? Terrible carry on. I couldn't sleep for ages when I heard...

He is also a philosophical genius but nobody ever notices.

You're being a tad unfair there Dave. It's not that no-one notices him. It's because he normally philosophises while doing loop-the-loops over crowds at air shows. Most people run like the clappers and don't hear his words of wisdom.

Nuff said. We've got characterisations started. We can tweak em as we go mate. Thanks for your input. It's definitely got The Crafty Fecker rolling again...

Nice one

[spacecadet]

Hey Meester, he speaks eeengleesh.

But yes, he is the Columbian connection.

[spacecadet]

Far away across the waves
of a beautiful azzure sea,
is a land of green and pleasant fields,
no better place to be!

Just by a town you will find
a peaceful verdunt hill,
a boozer sits atop of this
and there drinks Michael Gill.

His rosy nose does give away
all he's had to drink,
even at the best of times
he finds it hard to think.

He's currently in quandiary
about news he's heard from Lugh,
about Slightly's "Quantum Interweb"
that'll land 'em in the stew. (possibly an Irish stew but hinting more of Rosemary)

The crafty tripped out Englishman
Is powering half the net,
With a Poteen powered boiler
That he won once in a bet.

Cowgirl, Fin and Lafferty
And Mrs Mendez too,
Are busy bringing water
for Slightly's new "Yahoo".

(Note: Slightly's Interweb search engine is actually called "Yoohoo"
because of the way it contacts the users and asks them if there is anything they'd like. He meant it to be a proactive search engine but it's turned out just to be bloody annoying, particularly when he found he could get peoples PCs to boot up by themselves in the middle of the night and then mobile phone their owners to ask them in HAL9000 tones why they were looking stressed. "Dave? Dave? Would you like me to look for cheap chinese stress pills?" is not what you want your PC to suggest at 3 a.m..)

[Louis P. Burns aka Lugh]

Dave maaaaan

This is feckin' brilliant mate. Nice one

I will get cracking on this and the other recent projects and edits soon. I'm up to my neck in my own housing issues at the moment, so perhaps not best suited for creative work other than my own edits right now...

Your poem could appear as a scratch off prize in one of The Crafty Fecker's fun-nights... Anything is possible

[spacecadet]

News just in that the Amiga 1200 which Slightly is using to power the Quantum Interweb can only do so if it is supercooled. Seeing as there was a shortage of dry ice in Ireland (U2 had just shot a video near Dublin) the only other way he could keep the processor cool enough to overclock by 12 million percent was to build it on nexus point between earth and the underworld.

All was well until a third rate demon came through the gate and escaped in the NI underworld. The demon's name is Beelzebabble and he looks/sounds just like the Rev Paisley.

Cowgirl is contacted by a school librarian who tells her she's the "Chosen One" and has to dress like a teenage girl and learn Kung-fu.

[spacecadet]

News just in.....

Cow girl ain't into the idea of going back to High School to take the place of the last "Chosen One" (Sarah Michelle Uri-Geller - who killed demons with bent cutlery), no matter how short the skirts are.

Mrs Mendez phones up the premier demon slayer of all time, Jim Bowen (formerly of TV gameshow "Bullseye") who turns up at the "Fecker" with his side-kick "Bully the Vampire Slayer", a man in a foam rubber cow suit who slays the undead with silver darts.

They use a naked and drunk Lafferty tied to a stake (misheard by Bully who ties him to a steak) as bait for Beelzebabbles who turns up, followed by a herd of Orangemen who have mistaken him for someon else - can't think who.

During the ensuing battle the water supply to Slightly's Quantum Interweb running Amiga 1200 is overturned making the poteen boiler go critical. The area is devestated except for the "Fecker" and it's inhabitants who survive by being momentarily digitised into the Quantum Interweb by Slightly..... after several hours inhabiting teenage angst filled homepages (in sparkly pink backgrounds) and cheap russian porn sites, the pub and all it's denizens are bought by Gomez on eBay for a shipment of Columbian bog weed.

The pub and all are back in action!